Sir Hugh , persuade me not ; I will make a Star-chamber matter of it ; if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs he shall not abuse Robert Shallow , esquire .

In the county of Gloster , justice of peace , and coram .

Ay , cousin Slender , and cust-alorum .

Ay , and rato-lorum too ; and a gentleman born , Master Parson ; who writes himself armigero , in any bill , warrant , quittance , or obligation ,armigero .

Ay , that I do ; and have done any time these three hundred years .

All his successors gone before him hath done't ; and all his ancestors that come after him may : they may give the dozen white luces in their coat .

It is an old coat .

The dozen white louses do become an old coat well ; it agrees well , passant ; it is a familiar beast to man , and signifies love .

The luce is the fresh fish ; the salt fish is an old coat .

I may quarter , coz ?

You may , by marrying .

It is marring indeed , if he quarter it .

Not a whit .

Yes , py'r lady ; if he has a quarter of your coat , there is but three skirts for yourself , in my simple conjectures : but that is all one . If Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you , I am of the Church , and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and compremises between you .

The Council shall hear it ; it is a riot .

It is not meet the Council hear a riot ; there is no fear of Got in a riot . The Council , look you , shall desire to hear the fear of Got , and not to hear a riot ; take your vizaments in that .

Ha ! o' my life , if I were young again , the sword should end it .

It is petter that friends is the sword , and end it ; and there is also another device in my prain , which , peradventure , prings goot discretions with it . There is Anne Page , which is daughter to Master Thomas Page , which is pretty virginity .

Mistress Anne Page ? She has brown hair , and speaks small like a woman .

It is that fery person for all the orld , as just as you will desire ; and seven hundred pounds of moneys , and gold and silver , is her grandsire , upon his death's-bed ,Got deliver to a joyful resurrections !give , when she is able to overtake seventeen years old . It were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles , and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page .

Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound ?

Ay , and her father is make her a petter penny .

I know the young gentlewoman ; she has good gifts .

Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts .

Well , let us see honest Master Page . Is Falstaff there ?

Shall I tell you a lie ? I do despise a har as I do despise one that is false ; or as I despise one that is not true . The knight , Sir John , is there ; and , I beseech you , be ruled by your well-willers . I will peat the door for Master Page .

What , hoa ! Got pless your house here !

Who's there ?

Here is Got's plessing , and your friend . and Justice Shallow ; and here young Master Slender , that peradventures shall tell you another tale , if matters grow to your likings .


I am glad to see your worships well . I thank you for my venison , Master Shallow .

Master Page , I am glad to see you : much good do it your good heart ! I wished your venison better ; it was ill killed . How doth good Mistress Page ?and I thank you always with my heart , la ! with my heart .

Sir , I thank you .

Sir , I thank you ; by yea and no , I do .

I am glad to see you , good Master Slender .

How does your fallow greyhound , sir ? I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall .

It could not be judged , sir .

You'll not confess , you'll not confess .

That he will not : 'tis your fault , 'tis your fault . 'Tis a good dog .

A cur , sir .

Sir , he's a good dog , and a fair dog ; can there be more said ? he is good and fair . Is Sir John Falstaff here ?

Sir , he is within ; and I would I could do a good office between you .

It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak .

He hath wronged me , Master Page .

Sir , he doth in some sort confess it .

If it be confessed , it is not redressed : is not that so , Master Page ? He hath wronged me ; indeed , he hath ;at a word , he hath ,believe me : Robert Shallow , esquire , saith , he is wronged .

Here comes Sir John .


Now , Master Shallow , you'll complain of me to the king ?

Knight , you have beaten my men , killed my deer , and broke open my lodge .

But not kissed your keeper's daughter ?

Tut , a pin ! this shall be answered .

I will answer it straight : I have done all this . That is now answered .

The Council shall know this .

'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel : you'll be laughed at .

Pauca verba , Sir John ; goot worts .

Good worts ! good cabbage . Slender , I broke your head : what matter have you against me ?

Marry , sir , I have matter in my head against you ; and against your cony-catching rascals , Bardolph , Nym , and Pistol . They carried me to the tavern , and made me drunk , and afterwards picked my pocket .

You Banbury cheese !

Ay , it is no matter .

How now , Mephistophilus !

Ay , it is no matter .

Slice , I say ! pauca , pauca ; slice ! that's my humour .

Where's Simple , my man ? can you tell , cousin ?

Peace , I pray you . Now let us understand : there is three umpires in this matter , as I understand ; that is Master Page , fidelicet , Master Page ; and there is myself , fidelicet , myself ; and the three party is , lastly and finally , mine host of the Garter .

We three , to hear it and end it between them .

Fery goot : I will make a prief of it in my note-book ; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can .

Pistol !

He hears with ears .

The tevil and his tam ! what phrase is this , 'He hears with ear ?' Why , it is affectations .

Pistol , did you pick Master Slender's purse ?

Ay , by these gloves , did he ,or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else ,of seven groats in mill-sixpences , and two Edward shovel-boards , that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece of Yead Miller , by these gloves .

Is this true , Pistol ?

No ; it is false , if it is a pick-purse .

Ha , thou mountain foreigner !Sir John and master mine ,
I combat challenge of this latten bilbo .
Word of denial in thy labras here !
Word of denial : froth and scum , thou liest .

By these gloves , then , 'twas he .

Be avised , sir , and pass good humours . I will say , 'marry trap ,' with you , if you run the nuthook's humour on me : that is the very note of it .

By this hat , then , he in the red face had it ; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk , yet I am not altogether an ass .

What say you , Scarlet and John ?

Why , sir , for my part , I say , the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences .

It is his 'five senses ;' fie , what the ignorance is !

And being fap , sir , was , as they say , cashier'd ; and so conclusions pass'd the careires .

Ay , you spake in Latin then too ; but 'tis no matter . I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again , but in honest , civil , godly company , for this trick : if I be drunk , I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of God , and not with drunken knaves .

So Got udge me , that is a virtuous mind .

You hear all these matters denied , gentlemen ; you hear it .


Nay , daughter , carry the wine in ; we'll drink within .


O heaven ! this is Mistress Anne Page .

How now , Mistress Ford !

Mistress Ford , by my troth , you are very well met : by your leave , good mistress .


Wife , bid these gentlemen welcome . Come , we have a hot venison pasty to dinner : come , gentlemen , I hope we shall drink down all unkindness .


I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here .

How now , Simple ! Where have you been ? I must wait on myself , must I ? You have not the Book of Riddles about you , have you ?

Book of Riddles ! why , did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon All-Hallowmas last , a fortnight afore Michaelmas ?

Come , coz ; come , coz ; we stay for you . A word with you , coz ; marry , this , coz : there is , as 'twere a tender , a kind of tender , made afar off by Sir Hugh here : do you understand me ?

Ay , sir , you shall find me reasonable : if it be so , I shall do that that is reason .

Nay , but understand me .

So I do , sir .

Give ear to his motions , Master Slender : I will description the matter to you , if you pe capacity of it .

Nay , I will do as my cousin Shallow says . I pray you pardon me ; he's a justice of peace in his country , simple though I stand here .

But that is not the question ; the question is concerning your marriage .

Ay , there's the point , sir .

Marry , is it , the very point of it ; to Mistress Anne Page .

Why , if it be so , I will marry her upon any reasonable demands .

But can you affection the 'oman ? Let us command to know that of your mouth or of your lips ; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth : therefore , precisely , can you carry your good will to the maid ?

Cousin Abraham Slender , can you love her ?

I hope , sir , I will do as it shall become one that would do reason .

Nay , Got's lords and his ladies ! you must speak possitable , if you can carry her your desires towards her .

That you must . Will you , upon good dowry , marry her ?

I will do a greater thing than that , upon your request , cousin , in any reason .

Nay , conceive me , conceive me , sweet coz : what I do , is to pleasure you , coz . Can you love the maid ?

I will marry her , sir , at your request ; but if there be no great love in the beginning , yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance , when we are married and have more occasion to know one another : I hope , upon familiarity will grow more contempt : but if you say , 'Marry her ,' I will marry her ; that I am freely dissolved , and dissolutely .

It is a fery discretion answer ; save , the faul is in the ort 'dissolutely :' the ort is , according to our meaning , 'resolutely .' His meaning is goot .

Ay , I think my cousin meant well .

Ay , or else I would I might be hanged , la !

Here comes fair Mistress Anne .

Would I were young for your sake , Mistress Anne .

The dinner is on the table ; my father desires your worships' company .

I will wait on him , fair Mistress Anne .

Od's plessed will ! I will not be absence at the grace .


Will't please your worship to come in , sir ?

No , I thank you , forsooth , heartily ; I am very well .

The dinner attends you , sir .

I am not a-hungry , I thank you forsooth . Go , sirrah , for all you are my man , go wait upon my cousin Shallow .

A justice of peace sometime may be beholding to his friend for a man . I keep but three men and a boy yet , till my mother be dead ; but what though ? yet I live like a poor gentleman born .

I may not go in without your worship : they will not sit till you come .

I' faith , I'll eat nothing ; I thank you as much as though I did .

I pray you , sir , walk in .

I had rather walk here , I thank you . I bruised my shin th' other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence ; three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes ;and , by my troth , I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since . Why do your dogs bark so ? be there bears i' the town ?

I think there are , sir ; I heard them talked of .

I love the sport well ; but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England . You are afraid , if you see the bear loose , are you not ?

Ay , indeed , sir .

That's meat and drink to me , now : I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times , and have taken him by the chain ; but , I warrant you , the women have so cried and shrieked at it , that it passed : but women , indeed , cannot abide 'em ; they are very ill-favoured rough things .


Come , gentle Master Slender , come ; we stay for you .

I'll eat nothing , I thank you , sir .

By cock and pie , you shall not choose , sir ! come , come .

Nay , pray you , lead the way .

Come on , sir .

Mistress Anne , yourself shall go first .

Not I , sir ; pray you , keep on .

Truly , I will not go first : truly , la ! I will not do you that wrong .

I pray you , sir .

I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome . You do yourself wrong , indeed , la !


Go your ways , and ask of Doctor Caius' house , which is the way : and there dwells one Mistress Quickly , which is in the manner of his nurse , or his try nurse , or his cook , or his laundry , his washer , and his wringer .

Well , sir .

Nay , it is petter yet . Give her this letter ; for it is a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page : and the letter is , to desire and require her to solicit your master's desires to Mistress Anne Page . I pray you , be gone : I will make an end of my dinner ; there's pippins and seese to come .


Mine host of the Garter !

What says my bully-rook ? Speak scholarly and wisely .

Truly , mine host , I must turn away some of my followers .

Discard , bully Hercules ; cashier : let them wag ; trot , trot .

I sit at ten pounds a week .

Thou'rt an emperor , C sar , Keisar , and Pheezar . I will entertain Bardolph ; he shall draw , he shall tap : said I well , bully Hector ?

Do so , good mine host .

I have spoke ; let him follow .

Let me see thee forth and lime : I am at a word ; follow .


Bardolph , follow him . A tapster is a good trade : an old cloak makes a new jerkin ; a withered serving-man , a fresh tapster . Go ; adieu .

It is a life that I have desired . I will thrive .

O base Hungarian wight ! wilt thou the spigot wield ?


He was gotten in drink ; is not the humour conceited ?

I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox ; his thefts were too open ; his filching was like an unskilful singer ; he kept not time .

The good humour is to steal at a minim's rest .

'Convey ,' the wise it call . 'Steal !' foh ! a fico for the phrase !

Well , sirs , I am almost out at heels .

Why , then , let kibes ensue .

There is no remedy ; I must conycatch , I must shift .

Young ravens must have food .

Which of you know Ford of this town ?

I ken the wight : he is of substance good .

My honest lads , I will tell you what I am about .

Two yards , and more .

No quips now , Pistol ! Indeed , I am in the waist two yards about ; but I am now about no waste ; I am about thrift . Briefly , I do mean to make love to Ford's wife : I spy entertainment in her ; she discourses , she carves , she gives the leer of invitation : I can construe the action of her familiar style ; and the hardest voice of her behaviour , to be Englished rightly , is , 'I am Sir John Falstaff's .' 

He hath studied her well , and translated her well , out of honesty into English .

The anchor is deep : will that humour pass ?

Now , the report goes she has all the rule of her husband's purse ; he hath a legion of angels .

As many devils entertain , and 'To her , boy ,' say I .

The humour rises ; it is good : humour me the angels .

I have writ me here a letter to her ; and here another to Page's wife , who even now gave me good eyes too , examined my parts with most judicious  illiades : sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot , sometimes my portly belly .

Then did the sun on dunghill shine .

I thank thee for that humour .

O ! she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a greedy intention , that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass . Here's another letter to her : she bears the purse too ; she is a region in Guiana , all gold and bounty . I will be 'cheator to them both , and they shall be exchequers to me : they shall be my East and West Indies , and I will trade to them both . Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page ; and thou this to Mistress Ford . We will thrive , lads , we will thrive .

Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become ,
And by my side wear steel ? then , Lucifer take all !

I will run no base humour : here , take the humour-letter . I will keep the haviour of reputation .

Hold , sirrah , bear you these letters tightly :
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores .
Rogues , hence ! avaunt ! vanish like hailstones , go ;
Trudge , plod away o'the hoof ; seek shelter , pack !
Falstaff will learn the humour of this age ,
French thrift , you rogues : myself and skirted page .


Let vultures gripe thy guts ! for gourd and fullam holds ,
And high and low beguile the rich and poor .
Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack ,
Base Phrygian Turk !

I have operations in my head , which be humours of revenge .

Wilt thou revenge ?

By welkin and her star !

With wit or steel ?

With both the humours , I :
I will discuss the humour of this love to Page .


And I to Ford shall eke unfold 
How Falstaff , varlet vile ,
His dove will prove , his gold will hold ,
And his soft couch defile .


My humour shall not cool : I will incense Page to deal with poison ; I will possess him with yellowness , for the revolt of mine is dangerous : that is my true humour .

Thou art the Mars of malcontents : I second thee ; troop on .


What , John Rugby !

I pray thee , go to the casement , and see if you can see my master , Master Doctor Caius , coming : if he do , i' faith , and find anybody in the house , here will be an old abusing of God's patience and the king's English .

I'll go watch .

Go ; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night , in faith , at the latter end of a sea-coal fire .

An honest , willing , kind fellow , as ever servant shall come in house withal ; and , I warrant you , no tell-tale , nor no breed-bate : his worst fault is , that he is given to prayer ; he is something peevish that way , but nobody but has his fault ; but let that pass . Peter Simple you say your name is ?

Ay , for fault of a better .

And Master Slender's your master ?

Ay , forsooth .

Does he not wear a great round beard like a glover's paring-knife ?

No , forsooth : he hath but a little wheyface , with a little yellow beard a cane-coloured beard .

A softly-sprighted man , is he not ?

Ay , forsooth ; but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between this and his head : he hath fought with a warrener .

How say you ?O ! I should remember him : does he not hold up his head , as it were , and strut in his gait ?

Yes , indeed , does he .

Well , heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune ! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master : Anne is a good girl , and I wish 


Out , alas ! here comes my master .

We shall all be shent . Run in here , good young man ; go into this closet .


'And down , down , adown-a ,'  &c .

Vat is you sing ? I do not like dese toys . Pray you , go and vetch me in my closet une boitine verde ; a box , a green-a box : do intend vat I speak ? a green-a box .

Ay , forsooth ; I'll fetch it you .

I am glad he went not in himself : if he had found the young man , he would have been horn-mad .

Fe , fe , fe , fe ! ma foi , il fait fort chaud . Je m'en vais   la cour ,la grande affaire .

Is it this , sir ?

Oui ; mettez le au mon pocket ; d p chez , quickly .Vere is dat knave Rugby ?

What , John Rugby ! John !


Here , sir .

You are John Rugby , and you are Jack Rugby : come , take-a your rapier , and come after my heel to de court .

'Tis ready , sir , here in the porch .

By my trot , I tarry too long .Od's me ! Qu'ay j'oubli ? dere is some simples in my closet , dat I vill not for de varld I shall leave behind .

Ay me ! he'll find the young man there , and be mad .

O diable ! diable ! vat is in my closet ?Villain ! larron !

Rugby , my rapier !

Good master , be content .

Verefore shall I be content-a ?

The young man is an honest man .

Vat shall de honest man do in my closet ? dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet .

I beseech you , be not so phlegmatic . Hear the truth of it : he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh .

Vell .

Ay , forsooth , to desire her to 

Peace , I pray you .

Peace-a your tongue !Speak-a your tale .

To desire this honest gentlewoman , your maid , to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master in the way of marriage .

This is all , indeed , la ! but I'll ne'er put my finger in the fire , and need not .

Sir Hugh send-a you ?Rugby , baillez me some paper : tarry you a little-a while .


I am glad he is so quiet : if he had been throughly moved , you should have heard him so loud , and so melancholy . But , notwithstanding , man , I'll do your master what good I can ; and the very yea and the no is , the French doctor , my master ,I may call him my master , look you , for I keep his house ; and I wash , wring , brew , bake , scour , dress meat and drink , make the beds , and do all myself ,

'Tis a great charge to come under one body's hand .

Are you avis'd o' that ? you shall find it a great charge : and to be up early and down late ; but notwithstanding ,to tell you in your ear ,I would have no words of it ,my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page : but notwithstanding that , I know Anne's mind , that's neither here nor there .

You jack'nape , give-a dis letter to Sir Hugh ; by gar , it is a challenge : I vill cut his troat in de Park ; and I vill teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make . You may be gone ; it is not good you tarry here : by gar , I vill cut all his two stones ; by gar , he shall not have a stone to trow at his dog .


Alas ! he speaks but for his friend .

It is no matter-a for dat :do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself ? By gar , I vill kill de Jack priest ; and I have appointed mine host of de Jartiere to measure our weapon . By gar , I vill myself have Anne Page .

Sir , the maid loves you , and all shall be well . We must give folks leave to prate : what , the good-jer !

Rugby , come to the court vit me . By gar , if I have not Anne Page , I shall turn your head out of my door . Follow my heels , Rugby .


You shall have An fool's-head of your own . No , I know Anne's mind for that : never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne's mind than I do ; nor can do more than I do with her , I thank heaven .

Who's within there ? ho !

Who's there , I trow ? Come near the house , I pray you .


How now , good woman ! how dost thou ?

The better , that it pleases your good worship to ask .

What news ? how does pretty Mistress Anne ?

In truth , sir , and she is pretty , and honest , and gentle ; and one that is your friend , I can tell you that by the way ; I praise heaven for it .

Shall I do any good , thinkest thou ? Shall I not lose my suit ?

Troth , sir , all is in his hands above ; but notwithstanding , Master Fenton , I'll be sworn on a book , she loves you . Have not your worship a wart above your eye ?

Yes , marry have I ; what of that ?

Well , thereby hangs a tale . Good faith , it is such another Nan ; but , I detest , an honest maid as ever broke bread : we had an hour's talk of that wart . I shall never laugh but in that maid's company ;but , indeed , she is given too much to allicholy and musing . But for you well , go to .

Well , I shall see her to-day . Hold , there's money for thee ; let me have thy voice in my behalf : if thou seest her before me , commend me .

Will I ? i' faith , that we will : and I will tell your worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence ; and of other wooers .

Well , farewell ; I am in great haste now .

Farewell to your worship .

Truly , an honest gentleman : but Anne loves him not ; for I know Anne's mind as well as another does . Out upon't ! what have I forgot ?

What ! have I 'scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty , and am I now a subject for them ? Let me see .

Ask me no reason why I love you ; for though Love use Reason for his physician , he admits him not for his counsellor . You are not young , no more am I ; go to then , there's sympathy ; you are merry , so am I , ha ! ha ! then , there's more sympathy , you love sack , and so do I , would you desire better sympathy ? Let it suffice thee , Mistress Page , at the least , if the love of a soldier can suffice , that I love thee I will not say , pity me ,'tis not a soldier-like phrase ; but I say , love me . By me ,

Thine own true knight ,
By day or night ,
Or any kind of light ,
With all his might 
For thee to fight ,

What a Herod of Jewry is this ! O wicked , wicked world ! one that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age , to show himself a young gallant ! What an unweighed behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard picked , with the devil's name ! out of my conversation , that he dares in this manner assay me ? Why , he hath not been thrice in my company ! What should I say to him ? I was then frugal of my mirth :heaven forgive me ! Why , I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men . How shall I be revenged on him ? for revenged I will be , as sure as his guts are made of puddings .


Mistress Page ! trust me , I was going to your house .

And , trust me , I was coming to you . You look very ill .

Nay , I'll ne'er believe that : I have to show to the contrary .

Faith , but you do , in my mind .

Well , I do then ; yet , I say I could show you to the contrary . O , Mistress Page ! give me some counsel .

What's the matter , woman ?

O woman , if it were not for one trifling respect , I could come to such honour !

Hang the trifle , woman ; take the honour . What is it ?dispense with trifles ;what is it ?

If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so , I could be knighted .

What ? thou liest . Sir Alice Ford ! These knights will hack ; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry .

We burn daylight : here , read , read ; perceive how I might be knighted . I shall think the worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make difference of men's liking : and yet he would not swear ; praised women's modesty ; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness , that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words ; but they do no more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of 'Green Sleeves .' What tempest , I trow , threw this whale , with so many tuns of oil in his belly , ashore at Windsor ? How shall I be revenged on him ? I think , the best way were to entertain him with hope , till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease . Did you ever hear the like ?

Letter for letter , but that the name of Page and Ford differs ! To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions , here's the twin brother of thy letter : but let thine inherit first ; for , I protest , mine never shall . I warrant , he hath a thousand of these letters , writ with blank space for different names , sure more , and these are of the second edition . He will print them , out of doubt ; for he cares not what he puts into the press , when he would put us two : I had rather be a grantess , and lie under Mount Pelion . Well , I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man .

Why , this is the very same ; the very hand , the very words . What doth he think of us ?

Nay , I know not : it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty . I'll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal ; for , sure , unless he know some strain in me , that I know not myself , he would never have boarded me in this fury .

Boarding call you it ? I'll be sure to keep him above deck .

So will I : if he come under my hatches , I'll never to sea again . Let's be revenged on him : let's appoint him a meeting ; give him a show of comfort in his suit , and lead him on with a fine-baited delay , till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter .

Nay , I will consent to act any villany against him , that may not sully the chariness of our honesty . O , that my husband saw this letter ! it would give eternal food to his jealousy .

Why , look , where he comes ; and my good man too : he's as far from jealousy , as I am from giving him cause ; and that , I hope , is an unmeasurable distance .

You are the happier woman .

Let's consult together against this greasy knight . Come hither .

Well , I hope it be not so .

Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs :
Sir John affects thy wife .

Why , sir , my wife is not young .

He woos both high and low , both rich and poor ,
Both young and old , one with another , Ford .
He loves the galimaufry : Ford , perpend .

Love my wife !

With liver burning hot : prevent , or go thou ,
Like Sir Act on he , with Ringwood at thy heels .
O ! odious is the name !

What name , sir ?

The horn , I say . Farewell :
Take heed ; have open eye , for thieves do foot by night :
Take heed , ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing .
Away , sir Corporal Nym !
Believe it , Page ; he speaks sense .


I will be patient : I will find out this .

And this is true ; I like not the humour of lying . He hath wronged me in some humours : I should have borne the humoured letter to her , but I have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity . He loves your wife ; there's the short and the long . My name is Corporal Nym ; I speak , and I avouch 'tis true : my name is Nym , and Falstaff loves your wife . Adieu . I love not the humour of bread and cheese ; and there's the humour of it . Adieu .


'The humour of it ,' quoth'a ! here's a fellow frights humour out of his wits .

I will seek out Falstaff .

I never heard such a drawling , affecting rogue .

If I do find it : well .

I will not believe such a Cataian , though the priest o' the town commended him for a true man .

'Twas a good sensible fellow : well .

How now , Meg !

Whither go you , George ?Hark you .

How now , sweet Frank ! why art thou melancholy ?

I melancholy ! I am not melancholy . Get you home , go .

Faith , thou hast some crotchets in thy head now . Will you go , Mistress Page ?

Have with you . You'll come to dinner , George ?

Look , who comes yonder : she shall be our messenger to this paltry knight .

Trust me , I thought on her : she'll fit it .


You are come to see my daughter Anne ?

Ay , forsooth ; and , I pray , how does good Mistress Anne ?

Go in with us , and see : we'd have an hour's talk with you .


How now , Master Ford !

You heard what this knave told me , did you not ?

Yes ; and you heard what the other told me ?

Do you think there is truth in them ?

Hang 'em , slaves ! I do not think the knight would offer it : but these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives , are a yoke of his discarded men ; very rogues , now they be out of service .

Were they his men ?

Marry , were they .

I like it never the better for that . Does he lie at the Garter ?

Ay , marry , does he . If he should intend this voyage towards my wife , I would turn her loose to him ; and what he gets more of her than sharp words , let it lie on my head .

I do not misdoubt my wife , but I would be loth to turn them together . A man may be too confident : I would have nothing 'lie on my head :' I cannot be thus satisfied .

Look , where my ranting host of the Garter comes . There is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily .

How now , mine host !

How now , bully-rook ! thou'rt a gentleman . Cavaliero-justice , I say !

I follow , mine host , I follow . Good even and twenty , good Master Page ! Master Page , will you go with us ? we have sport in hand .

Tell him , cavaliero-justice ; tell him , bully-rook .

Sir , there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor .

Good mine host o' the Garter , a word with you .

What sayest thou , my bully-rook ?


Will you go with us to behold it ? My merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons , and , I think , hath appointed them contrary places ; for , believe me , I hear the parson is no jester . Hark , I will tell you what our sport shall be .


Hast thou no suit against my knight , my guest-cavalier ?

None , I protest : but I'll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him my name is Brook , only for a jest .

My hand , bully : thou shalt have egress and regress ; said I well ? and thy name shall be Brook . It is a merry knight . Will you go , mynheers ?

Have with you , mine host .

I have heard , the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier .

Tut , sir ! I could have told you more . In these times you stand on distance , your passes , stoccadoes , and I know not what : 'tis the heart , Master Page ; 'tis here , 'tis here . I have seen the time with my long sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats .

Here , boys , here , here ! shall we wag ?

Have with you . I had rather hear them scold than fight .


Though Page be a secure fool , and stands so firmly on his wife's frailty , yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily . She was in his company at Page's house , and what they made there , I know not . Well , I will look further into't ; and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff . If I find her honest , I lose not my labour ; if she be otherwise , 'tis labour well bestowed .


I will not lend thee a penny .

Why , then the world's mine oyster ,
Which I with sword will open .
I will retort the sum in equipage .

Not a penny . I have been content , sir , you should lay my countenance to pawn : I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow Nym ; or else you had looked through the grate , like a geminy of baboons . I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends , you were good soldiers and tall fellows ; and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan , I took't upon mine honour thou hadst it not .

Didst thou not share ? hadst thou not fifteen pence ?

Reason , you rogue , reason : thinkest thou , I'll endanger my soul gratis ? At a word , hang no more about me ; I am no gibbet for you : go : a short knife and a throng !to your manor of Picht-hatch ! go . You'll not bear a letter for me , you rogue !you stand upon your honour !Why , thou unconfinable baseness , it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of mine honour precise . I , I , I , myself sometimes , leaving the fear of God on the left hand and hiding mine honour in my necessity , am fain to shuffle , to hedge and to lurch ; and yet you , rogue , will ensconce your rags , your cat-a-mountain looks , your red-lattice phrases , and your bold-beating oaths , under the shelter of your honour ! You will not do it , you !

I do relent : what wouldst thou more of man ?


Sir , here's a woman would speak with you .

Let her approach .


Give your worship good morrow .

Good morrow , good wife .

Not so , an't please your worship .

Good maid , then .

I'll be sworn 
As my mother was , the first hour I was born .

I do believe the swearer . What with me ?

Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two ?

Two thousand , fair woman ; and I'll vouchsafe thee the hearing .

There is one Mistress Ford , sir ,I pray , come a little nearer this ways :I myself dwell with Master Doctor Caius .

Well , on : Mistress Ford , you say ,

Your worship says very true :I pray your worship , come a little nearer this ways .

I warrant thee , nobody hears ; mine own people , mine own people .

Are they so ? God bless them , and make them his servants !

Well : Mistress Ford ; what of her ?

Why , sir , she's a good creature . Lord , Lord ! your worship's a wanton ! Well , heaven forgive you , and all of us , I pray !

Mistress Ford ; come , Mistress Ford ,

Marry , this is the short and the long of it . You have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonderful : the best courtier of them all , when the court lay at Windsor , could never have brought her to such a canary ; yet there has been knights , and lords , and gentlemen , with their coaches , I warrant you , coach after coach , letter after letter , gift after gift ; smelling so sweetly all musk , and so rushling , I warrant you , in silk and gold ; and in such alligant terms ; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest , that would have won any woman's heart ; and , I warrant you , they could never get an eye-wink of her . I had myself twenty angels given me this morning ; but I defy all angels , in any such sort , as they say , but in the way of honesty : and , I warrant you , they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all ; and yet there has been earls , nay , which is more , pensioners ; but , I warrant you , all is one with her .

But what says she to me ? be brief , my good she Mercury .

Marry , she hath received your letter ; for the which she thanks you a thousand times ; and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven .

Ten and eleven ?

Ay , forsooth ; and then you may come and see the picture , she says , that you wot of : Master Ford , her husband , will be from home . Alas ! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him ; he's a very jealousy man ; she leads a very frampold life with him , good heart .

Ten and eleven . Woman , commend me to her ; I will not fail her .

Why , you say well . But I have another messenger to your worship : Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too : and let me tell you in your ear , she's as fartuous a civil modest wife , and one , I tell you , that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer , as any is in Windsor , whoe'er be the other : and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home ; but , she hopes there will come a time . I never knew a woman so dote upon a man : surely , I think you have charms , la ; yes , in truth .

Not I , I assure thee : setting the attraction of my good parts aside , I have no other charms .

Blessing on your heart for't !

But , I pray thee , tell me this : has Ford's wife and Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me ?

That were a jest indeed ! they have not so little grace , I hope : that were a trick , indeed ! But Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page , of all loves : her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page ; and , truly , Master Page is an honest man . Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does : do what she will , say what she will , take all , pay all , go to bed when she list , rise when she list , all is as she will : and , truly she deserves it ; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor , she is one . You must send her your page ; no remedy .

Why , I will .

Nay , but do so , then : and , look you , he may come and go between you both ; and in any case have a nay-word , that you may know one another's mind , and the boy never need to understand any thing ; for 'tis not good that children should know any wickedness : old folks , you know , have discretion , as they say , and know the world .

Fare thee well : commend me to them both . There's my purse ; I am yet thy debtor .Boy , go along with this woman .

This news distracts me .

This punk is one of Cupid's carriers .
Clap on more sails ; pursue ; up with your fights ;
Give fire ! she is my prize , or ocean whelm them all !


Sayest thou so , old Jack ? go thy ways ; I'll make more of thy old body than I have done . Will they yet look after thee ? Wilt thou , after the expense of so much money , be now a gainer ? Good body , I thank thee . Let them say 'tis grossly done ; so it be fairly done , no matter .


Sir John , there's one Master Brook below would fain speak with you , and be acquainted with you : and hath sent your worship a morning's draught of sack .

Brook is his name ?

Ay , sir .

Call him in .

Such Brooks are welcome to me , that o'erflow such liquor . Ah , ha ! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page , have I encompassed you ? go to ; via !


Bless your , sir !

And you , sir ; would you speak with me ?

I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you .

You're welcome . What's your will ?Give us leave , drawer .


Sir , I am a gentleman that have spent much : my name is Brook .

Good Master Brook , I desire more acquaintance of you .

Good Sir John , I sue for yours : not to charge you ; for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are : the which hath something emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion ; for , they say , if money go before , all ways do lie open .

Money is a good soldier , sir , and will on .

Troth , and I have a bag of money here troubles me : if you will help to bear it , Sir John , take all , or half , for easing me of the carriage .

Sir , I know not how I may deserve to be your porter .

I will tell you , sir , if you will give me the hearing .

Speak , good Master Brook ; I shall be glad to be your servant .

Sir , I hear you are a scholar ,I will be brief with you , and you have been a man long known to me , though I had never so good means , as desire , to make myself acquainted with you . I shall discover a thing to you , wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection ; but , good Sir John , as you have one eye upon my follies , as you hear them unfolded , turn another into the register of your own , that I may pass with a reproof the easier , sith you yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender .

Very well , sir ; proceed .

There is a gentlewoman in this town , her husband's name is Ford .

Well , sir .

I have long loved her , and , I protest to you , bestowed much on her ; followed her with a doting observance ; engrossed opportunities to meet her ; fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her ; not only bought many presents to give her , but have given largely to many to know what she would have given . Briefly , I have pursued her as love hath pursued me ; which hath been on the wing of all occasions . But whatsoever I have merited , either in my mind or in my means , meed , I am sure , I have received none ; unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite rate ; and that hath taught me to say this ,

Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues ;
Pursuing that that flies , and flying what pursues 


Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands ?

Never .

Have you importuned her to such a purpose ?

Never .

Of what quality was your love , then ?

Like a fair house built upon another man's ground ; so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it .

To what purpose have you unfolded this to me ?

When I have told you that , I have told you all . Some say , that though she appear honest to me , yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction made of her . Now , Sir John , here is the heart of my purpose : you are a gentleman of excellent breeding , admirable discourse , of great admittance , authentic in your place and person , generally allowed for your many war-like , court-like , and learned preparations .

O , sir !

Believe it , for you know it . There is money ; spend it , spend it ; spend more ; spend all I have ; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it , as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife : use your art of wooing , win her to consent to you ; if any man may , you may as soon as any .

Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection , that I should win what you would enjoy ? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously .

O , understand my drift . She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour , that the folly of my soul dares not present itself : she is too bright to be looked against . Now , could I come to her with any detection in my hand , my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves : I could drive her then from the ward of her purity , her reputation , her marriage vow , and a thousand other her defences , which now are too-too strongly embattled against me . What say you to't , Sir John ?

Master Brook , I will first make bold with your money ; next , give me your hand ; and last , as I am a gentleman , you shall , if you will , enjoy Ford's wife .

O good sir !

I say you shall .

Want no money , Sir John ; you shall want none .

Want no Mistress Ford , Master Brook ; you shall want none . I shall be with her , I may tell you , by her own appointment ; even as you came in to me , her assistant or go-between parted from me : I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven ; for at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth . Come you to me at night ; you shall know how I speed .

I am blest in your acquaintance . Do you know Ford , sir ?

Hang him , poor cuckoldly knave ! I know him not . Yet I wrong him , to call him poor : they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money ; for the which his wife seems to me well-favoured . I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer ; and there's my harvest-home .

I would you knew Ford , sir , that you might avoid him , if you saw him .

Hang him , mechanical salt-butter rogue ! I will stare him out of his wits ; I will awe him with my cudgel : it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns . Master Brook , thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant , and thou shalt he with his wife . Come to me soon at night . Ford's a knave , and I will aggravate his style ; thou , Master Brook , shalt know him for knave and cuckold . Come to me soon at night .


What a damned Epicurean rascal is this ! My heart is ready to crack with impatience . Who says this is improvident jealousy ? my wife hath sent to him , the hour is fixed , the match is made . Would any man have thought this ? See the hell of having a false woman ! My bed shall be abused , my coffers ransacked , my reputation gnawn at ; and I shall not only receive this villanous wrong , but stand under the adoption of abominable terms , and by him that does me this wrong . Terms ! names ! Amaimon sounds well ; Lucifer , well ; Barbason , well ; yet they are devils' additions , the names of fiends : but Cuckold ! Wittol !Cuckold ! the devil himself hath not such a name . Page is an ass , a secure ass : he will trust his wife ; he will not be jealous . I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter , Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese , an Irishman with my aqua-vit  bottle , or a thief to walk my ambling gelding , than my wife with herself : then she plots , then she ruminates , then she devises ; and what they think in their hearts they may effect , they will break their hearts but they will effect . God be praised for my jealousy ! Eleven o'clock the hour : I will prevent this , detect my wife , be revenged on Falstaff , and laugh at Page . I will about it ; better three hours too soon than a minute too late . Fie , fie , fie ! cuckold ! cuckold ! cuckold !


Jack Rugby !

Sir ?

Vat is de clock , Jack ?

'Tis past the hour , sir , that Sir Hugh promised to meet .

By gar , he has save his soul , dat he is no come : he has pray his Pible vell , dat he is no come . By gar , Jack Rugby , he is dead already , if he be come .

He is wise , sir ; he knew your worship would kill him , if he came .

By gar , de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him . Take your rapier , Jack ; I vill tell you how I vill kill him .

Alas , sir ! I cannot fence .

Villany , take your rapier .

Forbear ; here's company .


Bless thee , bully doctor !

Save you , Master Doctor Caius !

Now , good Master doctor !

Give you good morrow , sir .

Vat be all you , one , two , tree , four , come for ?

To see thee fight , to see thee foin , to see thee traverse ; to see thee here , to see thee there ; to see thee pass thy punto , thy stock , thy reverse , thy distance , thy montant . Is he dead , my Ethiopian ? is he dead , my Francisco ? ha , bully ! What says my  sculapius ? my Galen ? my heart of elder ? ha ! is he dead , bully stale ? is he dead ?

By gar , he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld ; he is not show his face .

Thou art a Castilian King Urinal ! Hector of Greece , my boy !

I pray you , bear vitness that me have stay six or seven , two , tree hours for him , and he is no come .

He is the wiser man , Master doctor : he is a curer of souls , and you a curer of bodies ; if you should fight , you go against the hair of your professions . Is it not true , Master Page ?

Master Shallow , you have yourself been a great fighter , though now a man of peace .

Bodykins , Master Page , though I now be old and of the peace , if I see a sword out , my finger itches to make one . Though we are justices and doctors and churchmen , Master Page , we have some salt of our youth in us ; we are the sons of women , Master Page .

'Tis true , Master Shallow .

It will be found so , Master Page . Master Doctor Caius , I am come to fetch you home . I am sworn of the peace : you have showed yourself a wise physician , and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman . You must go with me , Master doctor .

Pardon , guest-justice .A word , Monsieur Mockwater .

Mock-vater ! vat is dat ?

Mock-water , in our English tongue , is valour , bully .

By gar , den , I have as mush mock-vater as de Englishman .   Scurvy jack-dog priest ! by gar , me vill cut his ears .

He will clapper-claw thee tightly , bully .

Clapper-de-claw ! vat is dat ?

That is , he will make thee amends .

By gar , me do look , he shall clapper-de-claw me ; for , by gar , me vill have it .

And I will provoke him to't , or let him wag .

Me tank you for dat .

And moreover , bully ,But first , Master guest , and Master Page , and eke Cavaliero Slender , go you through the town to Frogmore .


Sir Hugh is there , is he ?

He is there : see what humour he is in ; and I will bring the doctor about by the fields . Will it do well ?

We will do it .

Adieu , good Master doctor .


By gar , me vill kill de priest ; for he speak for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page .

Let him die . Sheathe thy impatience ; throw cold water on thy choler : go about the fields with me through Frogmore : I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is , at a farmhouse a-feasting ; and thou shalt woo her . Cried I aim ? said I well ?

By gar , me tank you for dat : by gar , I love you ; and I shall procure-a you de good guest , de earl , de knight , de lords , de gentlemen , my patients .

For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne Page : said I well ?

By gar , 'tis good ; vell said .

Let us wag , then .

Come at my heels , Jack Rugby .

I pray you now , good Master Slender's serving-man , and friend Simple by your name , which way have you looked for Master Caius , that calls himself doctor of physic ?

Marry , sir , the pittie-ward , the parkward , every way ; old Windsor way , and every way but the town way .

I most fehemently desire you you will also look that way .

I will , sir .


Pless my soul ! how full of chollors I am , and trempling of mind ! I shall be glad if he have deceived me . How melancholies I am ! I will knog his urinals about his knave's costard when I have goot opportunities for the 'ork : pless my soul !


To shallow rivers , to whose falls 
Melodious birds sing madrigals ;
There will we make our peds of roses ,
And a thousand fragrant pasies .
To shallow 

Mercy on me ! I have a great dispositions to cry .


Melodious birds sing madrigals ,
When as I sat in Pabylon ,
And a thousand vagram posies .
To shallow ,

Yonder he is coming , this way , Sir Hugh .

He's welcome .


To shallow rivers , to whose falls 

Heaven prosper the right !what weapons is he ?

No weapons , sir . There comes my master , Master Shallow , and another gentleman , from Frogmore , over the stile , this way .

Pray you , give me my gown ; or else keep it in your arms .

How now , Master Parson ! Good morrow , good Sir Hugh . Keep a gamester from the dice , and a good student from his book , and it is wonderful .

Ah , sweet Anne Page !

Save you , good Sir Hugh !

Pless you from His mercy sake , all of you !

What , the sword and the word ! do you study them both , Master Parson ?

And youthful still in your doublet and hose ! this raw rheumatic day ?

There is reasons and causes for it .

We are come to you to do a good office , Master parson .

Fery well : what is it ?

Yonder is a most reverend gentleman , who , belike having received wrong by some person , is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw .

I have lived fourscore years and upward ; I never heard a man of his place , gravity , and learning , so wide of his own respect .

What is he ?

I think you know him ; Master Doctor Caius , the renowned French physician .

Got's will , and his passion of my heart ! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge .

Why ?

He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen ,and he is a knave besides ; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal .

I warrant you , he's the man should fight with him .

O , sweet Anne Page !

It appears so , by his weapons . Keep them asunder : here comes Doctor Caius .


Nay , good Master parson , keep in your weapon .

So do you , good Master doctor .

Disarm them , and let them question : let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English .

I pray you , let-a me speak a word vit your ear : verefore vill you not meet-a me ?

Pray you , use your patience : in good time .

By gar , you are de coward , de Jack dog , John ape .

Pray you , let us not be laughing-stogs to other men's humours ; I desire you in friendship , and I will one way or other make you amends : [Aloud .] I will knog your urinals about your knave's cogscomb for missing your meetings and appointments .

Diable !Jack Rugby ,mine host de Jarretierre ,have I not stay for him to kill him ? have I not , at de place I did appoint ?

As I am a Christians soul , now , look you , this is the place appointed : I'll be judgment by mine host of the Garter .

Peace , I say , Gallia and Guallia ; French and Welsh , soul-curer and body-curer !

Ay , dat is very good ; excellent .

Peace , I say ! hear mine host of the Garter . Am I politic ? am I subtle ? am I a Machiavel ? Shall I lose my doctor ? no ; he gives me the potions and the motions . Shall I lose my parson , my priest , my Sir Hugh ? no ; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs . Give me thy hand , terrestrial ; so ;give me thy hand celestial ; so . Boys of art , I have deceived you both ; I have directed you to wrong places : your hearts are mighty , your skins are whole , and let burnt sack be the issue . Come , lay their swords to pawn . Follow me , lads of peace ; follow , follow , follow .

Trust me , a mad host !Follow , gentlemen , follow .

O , sweet Anne Page !


Ha ! do I perceive dat ? have you make-a de sot of us , ha , ha ?

This is well ; he has made us his vlouting-stog . I desire you that we may be friends and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall , scurvy , cogging companion , the host of the Garter .

By gar , vit all my heart . He promise to bring me vere is Anne Page : by gar , he deceive me too .

Well , I will smite his noddles . Pray you , follow .


Nay , keep your way , little gallant : you were wont to be a follower , but now you are a leader . Whether had you rather lead mine eyes , or eye your master's heels ?

I had rather , forsooth , go before you like a man than follow him like a dwarf .

O ! you are a flattering boy : now I see you'll be a courtier .


Well met , Mistress Page . Whither go you ?

Truly , sir , to see your wife : is she at home ?

Ay ; and as idle as she may hang together , for want of company . I think , if your husbands were dead , you two would marry .

Be sure of that ,two other husbands .

Where had you this pretty weathercock ?

I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of . What do you call your knight's name , sirrah ?

Sir John Falstaff .

Sir John Falstaff !

He , he ; I can never hit on's name . There is such a league between my good man and he ! Is your wife at home indeed ?

Indeed she is .

By your leave , sir : I am sick till I see her .


Has Page any brains ? hath he any eyes ? hath he any thinking ? Sure , they sleep ; he hath no use of them . Why , this boy will carry a letter twenty mile , as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score . He pieces out his wife's inclination ; he gives her folly motion and advantage : and now she's going to my wife , and Falstaff's boy with her . A man may hear this shower sing in the wind : and Falstaff's boy with her ! Good plots ! they are laid ; and our revolted wives share damnation together . Well ; I will take him , then torture my wife , pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming Mistress Page , divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Act on ; and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim .

The clock gives me my cue , and my assurance bids me search ; there I shall find Falstaff . I shall be rather praised for this than mocked ; for it is as positive as the earth is firm , that Falstaff is there : I will go .


Well met , Master Ford .

Trust me , a good knot . I have good cheer at home ; and I pray you all go with me .

I must excuse myself , Master Ford .

And so must I , sir : we have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne , and I would not break with her for more money than I'll speak of .

We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender , and this day we shall have our answer .

I hope I have your good will , father Page .

You have , Master Slender ; I stand wholly for you : but my wife , Master doctor , is for you altogether .

Ay , by gar ; and de maid is love-a me : my nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush .

What say you to young Master Fenton ? he capers , he dances , he has eyes of youth , he writes verses , he speaks holiday , he smells April and May : he will carry't , he will carry't ; 'tis in his buttons ; he will carry't .

Not by my consent , I promise you . The gentleman is of no having : he kept company with the wild prince and Pointz ; he is of too high a region ; he knows too much . No , he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance : if he take her , let him take her simply ; the wealth I have waits on my consent , and my consent goes not that way .

I beseech you heartily , some of you go home with me to dinner : besides your cheer , you shall have sport ; I will show you a monster . Master doctor , you shall go ; so shall you , Master Page ; and you , Sir Hugh .

Well , fare you well : we shall have the freer wooing at Master Page's .


Go home , John Rugby ; I come anon .


Farewell , my hearts : I will to my honest knight Falstaff , and drink canary with him .


I think I shall drink in pipewine first with him ; I'll make him dance . Will you go , gentles ?

Have with you to see this monster .


What , John ! what , Robert !

Quickly , quickly :Is the buckbasket 

I warrant . What , Robin , I say !


Come , come , come .

Here , set it down .

Give your men the charge ; we must be brief .

Marry , as I told you before , John , and Robert , be ready here hard by in the brewhouse ; and when I suddenly call you , come forth , and without any pause or staggering , take this basket on your shoulders : that done , trudge with it in all haste , and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead , and there empty it in the muddy ditch , close by the Thames side .

You will do it ?

I have told them over and over ; they lack no direction . Be gone , and come when you are called .


Here comes little Robin .


How now , my eyas-musket ! what news with you ?

My master , Sir John , is come in at your back-door , Mistress Ford , and requests your company .

You little Jack-a-Lent , have you been true to us ?

Ay , I'll be sworn . My master knows not of your being here , and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty if I tell you of it ; for he swears he'll turn me away .

Thou'rt a good boy ; this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet and hose . I'll go hide me .

Do so . Go tell thy master I am alone .

Mistress Page , remember you your cue .

I warrant thee ; if I do not act it , hiss me .


Go to , then : we'll use this unwholesome humidity , this gross watery pumpion ; we'll teach him to know turtles from jays .


'Have I caught my heavenly jewel ?' Why , now let me die , for I have lived long enough : this is the period of my ambition : O this blessed hour !

O , sweet Sir John !

Mistress Ford , I cannot cog , I cannot prate , Mistress Ford . Now shall I sin in my wish : I would thy husband were dead . I'll speak it before the best lord , I would make thee my lady .

I your lady , Sir John ! alas , I should be a pitiful lady .

Let the court of France show me such another . I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond : thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire , the tire-valiant , or any tire of Venetian admittance .

A plain kerchief , Sir John : my brows become nothing else ; nor that well neither .

By the Lord , thou art a traitor to say so : thou wouldst make an absolute courtier ; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale . I see what thou wert , if Fortune thy foe were not , Nature thy friend . Come , thou canst not hide it .

Believe me , there's no such thing in me .

What made me love thee ? let that persuade thee there's something extraordinary in thee . Come , I cannot cog and say thou art this and that , like a many of these lisping hawthornbuds , that come like women in men s apparel , and smell like Bucklersbury in simple-time ; I cannot ; but I love thee ; none but thee ; and thou deservest it .

Do not betray me , sir . I fear you love Mistress Page .

Thou mightst as well say , I love to walk by the Counter-gate , which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln .

Well , heaven knows how I love you ; and you shall one day find it .

Keep in that mind ; I'll deserve it .

Nay , I must tell you , so you do , or else I could not be in that mind .

Mistress Ford ! Mistress Ford ! here's Mistress Page at the door , sweating and blowing and looking wildly , and would needs speak with you presently .

She shall not see me : I will ensconce me behind the arras .

Pray you , do so : she's a very tattling woman .


What's the matter ? how now !

O Mistress Ford ! what have you done ? You're shamed , you are overthrown , you're undone for ever !

What's the matter , good Mistress Page ?

O well-a-day , Mistress Ford ! having an honest man to your husband , to give him such cause of suspicion !

What cause of suspicion ?

What cause of suspicion ! Out upon you ! how am I mistook in you !

Why , alas , what's the matter ?

Your husband's coming hither , woman , with all the officers of Windsor , to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house by your consent , to take an ill advantage of his absence : you are undone .

Speak louder .'Tis not so , I hope .

Pray heaven it be not so , that you have such a man here ! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming with half Windsor at his heels , to search for such a one . I come before to tell you . If you know yourself clear , why , I am glad of it ; but if you have a friend here , convey , convey him out . Be not amazed ; call all your senses to you : defend your reputation , or bid farewell to your good life for ever .

What shall I do ?There is a gentleman , my dear friend ; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril : I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house .

For shame ! never stand 'you had rather' and 'you had rather :' your husband's here at hand ; bethink you of some conveyance : in the house you cannot hide him . O , how have you deceived me ! Look , here is a basket : if he be of any reasonable stature , he may creep in here ; and throw foul linen upon him , as if it were going to bucking : or it is whiting-time send him by your two men to Datchet-mead .

He's too big to go in there . What shall I do ?

Let me see't , let me see't , O , let me see't ! I'll in , I'll in . Follow your friend's counsel . I'll in .

What , Sir John Falstaff ! Are these your letters , knight ?

I love thee , and none but thee ; help me away : let me creep in here . I'll never 


Help to cover your master , boy . Call your men , Mistress Ford . You dissembling knight !

What , John ! Robert ! John !

Go take up these clothes here quickly ; where's the cowl-staff ? look , how you drumble ! carry them to the laundress in Datchet-mead ; quickly , come .

Pray you , come near : if I suspect without cause , why then make sport at me ; then let me be your jest ; I deserve it . How now ! what goes here ? whither bear you this ?

To the laundress , forsooth .

Why , what have you to do whither they bear it ? You were best meddle with buck-washing .

Buck ! I would I could wash myself of the buck ! Buck , buck , buck ! Ay , buck ; I warrant you , buck ; and of the season too , it shall appear .

Gentlemen , I have dreamed to-night ; I'll tell you my dream . Here , here , here be my keys : ascend my chambers ; search , seek , find out : I'll warrant we'll unkennel the fox . Let me stop this way first . [Locking the door .] So , now uncape .

Good Master Ford , be contented : you wrong yourself too much .

True , Master Page . Up , gentlemen ; you shall see sport anon : follow me , gentlemen .


This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies .

By gar , 'tis no de fashion of France ; it is not jealous in France .

Nay , follow him , gentlemen ; see the issue of his search .


Is there not a double excellency in this ?

I know not which pleases me better ; that my husband is deceived , or Sir John .

What a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket !

I am half afraid he will have need of washing ; so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit .

Hang him , dishonest rascal ! I would all of the same strain were in the same distress .

I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff's being here ; for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now .

I will lay a plot to try that ; and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff : his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine .

Shall we send that foolish carrion Mistress Quickly to him , and excuse his throwing into the water ; and give him another hope , to betray him to another punishment ?

We will do it : let him be sent for to-morrow , eight o'clock , to have amends .


I cannot find him : may be the knave bragged of that he could not compass .

Heard you that ?

Ay , ay , peace .You use me well , Master Ford , do you ?

Ay , I do so .

Heaven make you better than your thoughts !

Amen !

You do yourself mighty wrong , Master Ford .

Ay , ay ; I must bear it .

If there pe any pody in the house , and in the chambers , and in the coffers , and in the presses , heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment !

By gar , nor I too , dere is no bodies .

Fie , fie , Master Ford ! are you not ashamed ? What spirit , what devil suggests this imagination ? I would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle .

'Tis my fault , Master Page : I suffer for it .

You suffer for a pad conscience : your wife is as honest a 'omans as I will desires among five thousand , and five hundred too .

By gar , I see 'tis an honest woman .

Well ; I promised you a dinner . Come , come , walk in the Park : I pray you , pardon me ; I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this . Come , wife ; come , Mistress Page . I pray you , pardon me ; pray heartily , pardon me .

Let's go in , gentlemen ; but , trust me , we'll mock him . I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast ; after , we'll a-birding together : I have a fine hawk for the bush . Shall it be so ?

Any thing .

If there is one , I shall make two in the company .

If dere be one or two , I shall make-a de turd .

Pray you go , Master Page .

I pray you now , remembrance to-morrow on the lousy knave , mine host .

Dat is good ; by gar , vit all my heart .

A lousy knave ! to have his gibes and his mockeries !


I see I cannot get thy father's love ;
Therefore no more turn me to him , sweet Nan .

Alas ! how then ?

Why , thou must be thyself .
He doth object , I am too great of birth ,
And that my state being gall'd with my expense ,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth .
Besides these , other bars he lays before me ,
My riots past , my wild societies ;
And tells me 'tis a thing impossible 
I should love thee but as a property .

May be he tells you true .

No , heaven so speed me in my time to come !
Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth 
Was the first motive that I woo'd thee , Anne :
Yet , wooing thee , I found thee of more value 
Than stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags ;
And 'tis the very riches of thyself 
That now I aim at .

Gentle Master Fenton ,
Yet seek my father's love ; still seek it , sir :
If opportunity and humblest suit 
Cannot attain it , why , then ,hark you hither .

Break their talk , Mistress Quickly : my kinsman shall speak for himself .

I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't . 'Slid , 'tis but venturing .

Be not dismayed .

No , she shall not dismay me : I care not for that , but that I am afeard .

Hark ye ; Master Slender would speak a word with you .

I come to him .

This is my father's choice .
O , what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults 
Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year !

And how does good Master Fenton ? Pray you , a word with you .

She's coming ; to her , coz . O boy , thou hadst a father !

I had a father , Mistress Anne ; my uncle can tell you good jests of him . Pray you , uncle , tell Mistress Anne the jest , how my father stole two geese out of a pen , good uncle .

Mistress Anne , my cousin loves you .

Ay , that I do ; as well as I love any woman in Glostershire .

He will maintain you like a gentlewoman .

Ay , that I will , come cut and long-tail , under the degree of a squire .

He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure .

Good Master Shallow , let him woo for himself .

Marry , I thank you for it ; I thank you for that good comfort . She calls you , coz : I'll leave you .

Now , Master Slender .

Now , good Mistress Anne .

What is your will ?

My will ? od's heartlings ! that's a pretty jest , indeed ! I ne'er made my will yet , I thank heaven ; I am not such a sickly creature , I give heaven praise .

I mean , Master Slender , what would you with me ?

Truly , for mine own part , I would little or nothing with you . Your father and my uncle have made motions : if it be my luck , so ; if not , happy man be his dole ! They can tell you how things go better than I can : you may ask your father ; here he comes .


Now , Master Slender : love him , daughter Anne .
Why , how now ! what does Master Fenton here ?
You wrong me , sir , thus still to haunt my house :
I told you , sir , my daughter is dispos'd of .

Nay , Master Page , be not impatient .

Good Master Fenton , come not to my child .

She is no match for you .

Sir , will you hear me ?

No , good Master Fenton .
Come , Master Shallow ; come , son Slender , in .
Knowing my mind , you wrong me , Master Fenton .


Speak to Mistress Page .

Good Mistress Page , for that I love your daughter 
In such a righteous fashion as I do ,
Perforce , against all checks , rebukes and manners ,
I must advance the colours of my love 
And not retire : let me have your good will .

Good mother , do not marry me to yond fool .

I mean it not ; I seek you a better husband .

That's my master , Master doctor .

Alas ! I had rather be set quick i' the earth ,
And bowl'd to death with turnips .

Come , trouble not yourself . Good Master Fenton ,
I will not be your friend nor enemy :
My daughter will I question how she loves you ,
And as I find her , so am I affected .
'Till then , farewell , sir : she must needs go in ;
Her father will be angry .

Farewell , gentle mistress . Farewell , Nan .


This is my doing , now : 'Nay ,' said I , 'will you cast away your child on a fool , and a physician ? Look on Master Fenton .' This is my doing .

I thank thee : and I pray thee , once to-night 
Give my sweet Nan this ring . There's for thy pains .

Now heaven send thee good fortune !

A kind heart he hath : a woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart . But yet I would my master had Mistress Anne ; or I would Master Slender had her ; or , in sooth , I would Master Fenton had her . I will do what I can for them all three , for so I have promised , and I'll be as good as my word ; but speciously for Master Fenton . Well , I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses : what a beast am I to slack it !


Bardolph , I say ,

Here , sir .

Go fetch me a quart of sack ; put a toast in't .

Have I lived to be carried in a basket , and to be thrown in the Thames like a barrow of butcher's offal ? Well , if I be served such another trick , I'll have my brains ta'en out , and buttered , and give them to a dog for a new year's gift . The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies , fifteen i' the litter ; and you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking : if the bottom were as deep as hell , I should down . I had been drowned but that the shore was shelvy and shallow ; a death that I abhor , for the water swells a man , and what a thing should I have been when I had been swelled ! I should have been a mountain of mummy .


Here's Mistress Quickly , sir , to speak with you .

Come , let me pour in some sack to the Thames water , for my belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins . Call her in .

Come in , woman .


By your leave . I cry you mercy : give your worship good morrow .

Take away these chalices . Go brew me a pottle of sack finely .

With eggs , sir ?

Simple of itself ; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage .

How now !

Marry , sir , I come to your worship from Mistress Ford .

Mistress Ford ! I have had ford enough ; I was thrown into the ford ; I have my belly full of ford .

Alas the day ! good heart , that was not her fault : she does so take on with her men ; they mistook their erection .

So did I mine , to build upon a foolish woman's promise .

Well , she laments , sir , for it , that it would yearn your heart to see it . Her husband goes this morning a-birding : she desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine . I must carry her word quickly : she'll make you amends , I warrant you .

Well , I will visit her : tell her so ; and bid her think what a man is : let her consider his frailty , and then judge of my merit .

I will tell her .

Do so . Between nine and ten , sayest thou ?

Eight and nine , sir .

Well , be gone : I will not miss her .

Peace be with you , sir .


I marvel I hear not of Master Brook ; he sent me word to stay within . I like his money well . O ! here he comes .


Bless you , sir !

Now , Master Brook , you come to know what hath passed between me and Ford's wife ?

That , indeed , Sir John , is my business .

Master Brook , I will not lie to you : I was at her house the hour she appointed me .

And how sped you , sir ?

Very ill-favouredly , Master Brook .

How so , sir ? did she change her determination ?

No , Master Brook ; but the peaking cornuto her husband , Master Brook , dwelling in a continual 'larum of jealousy , comes me in the instant of our encounter , after we had embraced , kissed , protested , and , as it were , spoke the prologue of our comedy ; and at his heels a rabble of his companions , thither provoked and instigated by his distemper , and , forsooth , to search his house for his wife's love .

What ! while you were there ?

While I was there .

And did he search for you , and could not find you ?

You shall hear . As good luck would have it , comes in one Mistress Page ; gives intelligence of Ford's approach ; and in her invention , and Ford's wife's distraction , they conveyed me into a buck-basket .

A buck-basket !

By the Lord , a buck-basket ! rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks , socks , foul stockings , greasy napkins ; that , Master Brook , there was the rankest compound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril .

And how long lay you there ?

Nay , you shall hear , Master Brook , what I have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good . Being thus crammed in the basket , a couple of Ford's knaves , his hinds , were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet-lane : they took me on their shoulders ; met the jealous knave their master in the door , who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket . I quaked for fear lest the lunatic knave would have searched it ; but Fate , ordaining he should be a cuckold , held his hand . Well ; on went he for a search , and away went I for foul clothes . But mark the sequel , Master Brook : I suffered the pangs of three several deaths : first , an intolerable-fright , to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether ; next , to be compassed , like a good bilbo , in the circumference of a peck , hilt to point , heel to head ; and then , to be stopped in , like a strong distillation , with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease : think of that , a man of my kidney , think of that , that am as subject to heat as butter ; a man of continual dissolution and thaw : it was a miracle to 'scape suffocation . And in the height of this bath , when I was more than half stewed in grease , like a Dutch dish , to be thrown into the Thames , and cooled , glowing hot , in that surge , like a horse-shoe ; think of that , hissing hot , think of that , Master Brook !

In good sadness , sir , I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this . My suit then is desperate ; you'll undertake her no more ?

Master Brook , I will be thrown into Etna , as I have been into Thames , ere I will leave her thus . Her husband is this morning gone a-birding : I have received from her another embassy of meeting ; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour , Master Brook .

'Tis past eight already , sir .

Is it ? I will then address me to my appointment . Come to me at your convenient leisure , and you shall know how I speed , and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her : adieu . You shall have her , Master Brook ; Master Brook , you shall cuckold Ford .


Hum ! ha ! is this a vision ? is this a dream ? do I sleep ? Master Ford , awake ! awake , Master Ford ! there's a hole made in your best coat , Master Ford . This 'tis to be married : this 'tis to have linen and buck-baskets ! Well , I will proclaim myself what I am : I will now take the lecher ; he is at my house ; he cannot 'scape me ; 'tis impossible he should ; he cannot creep into a half-penny purse , nor into a pepper-box ; but , lest the devil that guides him should aid him , I will search impossible places . Though what I am I cannot avoid , yet to be what I would not , shall not make me tame : if I have horns to make me mad , let the proverb go with me ; I'll be horn-mad .

Is he at Master Ford's already , thinkest thou ?

Sure he is by this , or will be presently ; but truly , he is very courageous mad about his throwing into the water . Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly .

I'll be with her by and by : I'll but bring my young man here to school . Look , where his master comes ; 'tis a playing-day , I see .

How now , Sir Hugh ! no school to-day ?

No ; Master Slender is get the boys leave to play .

Blessing of his heart !

Sir Hugh , my husband says my son profits nothing in the world at his book : I pray you , ask him some questions in his accidence .

Come hither , William ; hold up your head ; come .

Come on , sirrah ; hold up your head ; answer your master , be not afraid .

William , how many numbers is in nouns ?

Two .

Truly , I thought there had been one number more , because they say , 'Od's nouns .' 

Peace your tattlings ! What is fair , William ?

Pulcher .

Polecats ! there are fairer things than polecats , sure .

You are a very simplicity 'oman : I pray you peace . What is lapis , William ?

A stone .

And what is a stone , William ?

A pebble .

No , it is lapis : I pray you remember in your prain .

Lapis .

That is a good William . What is he , William , that does lend articles ?

Articles are borrowed of the pronoun , and be thus declined , Singulariter , nominativo , hic , h c , hoc .

Nominativo , hig , hag , hog ; pray you , mark : genitivo , hujus . Well , what is your accusative case ?

Accusativo , hinc .

I pray you , have your remembrance , child ; accusativo , hung , hang , hog .

Hang hog is Latin for bacon , I warrant you .

Leave your prabbles , 'oman . What is the focative case , William ?

O vocativo , O .

Remember , William ; focative is caret .

And that's a good root .

'Oman , forbear .

Peace !

What is your genitive case plural , William ?

Genitive case ?

Ay .

Genitive , horum , harum , horum .

Vengeance of Jenny's case ! fie on her ! Never name her , child , if she be a whore .

For shame , 'oman !

You do ill to teach the child such words . He teaches him to hick and to hack , which they'll do fast enough of themselves , and to call 'horum ?' fie upon you !

'Oman , art thou lunatics ? hast thou no understandings for thy cases and the numbers and the genders ? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires .

Prithee , hold thy peace .

Show me now , William , some declensions of your pronouns .

Forsooth , I have forgot .

It is qui , qu , quod ; if you forget your quis , your qu s , and your quods , you must be preeches . Go your ways and play ; go .

He is a better scholar than I thought he was .

He is a good sprag memory . Farewell , Mistress Page .

Adieu , good Sir Hugh .

Get you home , boy . Come , we stay too long .


Mistress Ford , your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance . I see you are obsequious in your love , and I profess requital to a hair's breadth ; not only , Mistress Ford , in the simple office of love , but in all the accoutrement , complement and ceremony of it . But are you sure of your husband now ?

He's a-birding , sweet Sir John .

What ho ! gossip Ford ! what ho !

Step into the chamber , Sir John .

How now , sweetheart ! who's at home besides yourself ?

Why , none but mine own people .

Indeed !

No , certainly .

Speak louder .

Truly , I am so glad you have nobody here .

Why ?

Why , woman , your husband is in his old lunes again : he so takes on yonder with my husband ; so rails against all married mankind ; so curses all Eve's daughters , of what complexion soever ; and so buffets himself on the forehead , crying , 'Peer out , peer out !' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness , civility and patience , to this his distemper he is in now . I am glad the fat knight is not here .

Why , does he talk of him ?

Of none but him ; and swears he was carried out , the last time he searched for him , in a basket : protests to my husband he is now here , and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport , to make another experiment of his suspicion . But I am glad the knight is not here ; now he shall see his own foolery .

How near is he , Mistress Page ?

Hard by ; at street end ; he will be here anon .

I am undone ! the knight is here .

Why then you are utterly shamed , and he's but a dead man . What a woman are you ! Away with him , away with him ! better shame than murder .

Which way should he go ? how should I bestow him ? Shall I put him into the basket again ?


No , I'll come no more i' the basket . May I not go out ere he come ?

Alas ! three of Master Ford's brothers watch the door with pistols , that none shall issue out ; otherwise you might slip away ere he came . But what make you here ?

What shall I do ? I'll creep up into the chimney .

There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces .

Creep into the kiln-hole .

Where is it ?

He will seek there , on my word . Neither press , coffer , chest , trunk , well , vault , but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places , and goes to them by his note : there is no hiding you in the house .

I'll go out , then .

If you go out in your own semblance , you die , Sir John . Unless you go out disguised ,

How might we disguise him ?

Alas the day ! I know not . There is no woman's gown big enough for him ; otherwise , he might put on a hat , a muffler , and a kerchief , and so escape .

Good hearts , devise something : any extremity rather than a mischief .

My maid's aunt , the fat woman of Brainford , has a gown above .

On my word , it will serve him ; she's as big as he is : and there's her thrummed hat and her muffler too . Run up , Sir John .

Go , go , sweet Sir John : Mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head .

Quick , quick ! we'll come dress you straight ; put on the gown the while .


I would my husband would meet him in this shape : he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford ; he swears she's a witch ; forbade her my house , and hath threatened to beat her .

Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel , and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards !

But is my husband coming ?

Ay , in good sadness , is he ; and talks of the basket too , howsoever he hath had intelligence .

We'll try that ; for I'll appoint my men to carry the basket again , to meet him at the door with it , as they did last time .

Nay , but he'll be here presently : let's go dress him like the witch of Brainford .

I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket . Go up ; I'll bring linen for him straight .


Hang him , dishonest varlet ! we cannot misuse him enough .
We'll leave a proof , by that which we will do ,
Wives may be merry , and yet honest too :
We do not act that often jest and laugh ;
'Tis old , but true , 'Still swine eats all the draff .' 

Go , sirs , take the basket again on your shoulders : your master is hard at door ; if he bid you set it down , obey him . Quickly ; dispatch .


Come , come , take it up .

Pray heaven , it be not full of knight again .

I hope not ; I had as lief bear so much lead .


Ay , but if it prove true , Master Page , have you any way then to unfool me again ? Set down the basket , villains . Somebody call my wife . Youth in a basket ! O you panderly rascals ! there's a knot , a ging , a pack , a conspiracy against me : now shall the devil be shamed . What , wife , I say ! Come , come forth ! Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching !

Why , this passes ! Master Ford , you are not to go loose any longer ; you must be pinioned .

Why , this is lunatics ! this is mad as a mad dog !

Indeed , Master Ford , this is not well , indeed .

So say I too , sir .

Come hither , Mistress Ford , the honest woman , the modest wife , the virtuous creature , that hath the jealous fool to her husband ! I suspect without cause , mistress , do I ?

Heaven by my witness , you do , if you suspect me in any dishonesty .

Well said , brazen-face ! hold it out . Come forth , sirrah !


This passes !

Are you not ashamed ? let the clothes alone .

I shall find you anon .

'Tis unreasonable . Will you take up your wife's clothes ? Come away .

Empty the basket , I say !

Why , man , why ?

Master Page , as I am an honest man , there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket : why may not he be there again ? In my house I am sure he is ; my intelligence is true ; my jealousy is reasonable . Pluck me out all the linen .

If you find a man there he shall die a flea's death .

Here's no man .

By my fidelity , this is not well , Master Ford ; this wrongs you .

Master Ford , you must pray , and not follow the imaginations of your own heart : this is jealousies .

Well , he's not here I seek for .

No , nor nowhere else but in your brain .


Help to search my house this one time : if I find not what I seek , show no colour for my extremity ; let me for ever be your table-sport ; let them say of me , 'As jealous as Ford , that searched a hollow walnut for his wife's leman .' Satisfy me once more ; once more search with me .

What ho , Mistress Page ! come you and the old woman down ; my husband will come into the chamber .

Old woman ! What old woman's that ?

Why , it is my maid's aunt of Brainford .

A witch , a quean , an old cozening quean ! Have I not forbid her my house ? She comes of errands , does she ? We are simple men ; we do not know what's brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling . She works by charms , by spells , by the figure , and such daubery as this is , beyond our element : we know nothing . Come down , you witch , you hag , you ; come down , I say !

Nay , good , sweet husband ! good gentlemen , let him not strike the old woman .


Come , Mother Prat ; come , give me your hand .

I'll 'prat' her .

Out of my door , you witch , you rag , you baggage , you polecat , you ronyon ! out , out ! I'll conjure you , I'll fortune-tell you .


Are you not ashamed ? I think you have killed the poor woman .

Nay , he will do it . 'Tis a goodly credit for you .

Hang her , witch !

By yea and no , I think the 'oman is a witch indeed : I like not when a 'oman has a great peard ; I spy a great peard under her muffler .

Will you follow , gentlemen ? I beseech you , follow : see but the issue of my jealousy . If I cry out thus upon no trail , never trust me when I open again .

Let's obey his humour a little further . Come , gentlemen .


Trust me , he beat him most pitifully .

Nay , by the mass , that he did not ; he beat him most unpitifully methought .

I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er the altar : it hath done meritorious service .

What think you ? May we , with the warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good conscience , pursue him with any further revenge ?

The spirit of wantonness is , sure , scared out of him : if the devil have him not in fee-simple , with fine and recovery , he will never , I think , in the way of waste , attempt us again .

Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him ?

Yes , by all means ; if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husband's brains . If they can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further afflicted , we two will still be the ministers .

I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed , and methinks there would be no period to the jest , should he not be publicly shamed .

Come , to the forge with it then ; shape it : I would not have things cool .


Sir , the Germans desire to have three of your horses : the duke himself will be to-morrow at court , and they are going to meet him .

What duke should that be comes so secretly ? I hear not of him in the court . Let me speak with the gentlemen ; they speak English ?

Ay , sir ; I'll call them to you .

They shall have my horses , but I'll make them pay ; I'll sauce them : they have had my house a week at command ; I have turned away my other guests : they must come off ; I'll sauce them . Come .


'Tis one of the pest discretions of a 'oman as ever I did look upon .

And did he send you both these letters at an instant ?

Within a quarter of an hour .

Pardon me , wife . Henceforth do what thou wilt ;
I rather will suspect the sun with cold 
Than thee with wantonness : now doth thy honour stand ,
In him that was of late an heretic ,
As firm as faith .

'Tis well , 'tis well ; no more .
Be not as extreme in submission 
As in ofrence ;
But let our plot go forward : let our wives 
Yet once again , to make us public sport ,
Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow ,
Where we may take him and disgrace him for it .

There is no better way than that they spoke of .

How ? to send him word they'll meet him in the Park at midnight ? Fie , fie ! he'll never come .

You say he has been thrown into the rivers , and has been grievously peaten as an old 'oman : methinks there should be terrors in him that he should not come ; methinks his flesh is punished , he shall have no desires .

So think I too .

Devise but how you'll use him when he comes ,
And let us two devise to bring him thither .

There is an old tale goes that Herne the hunter ,
Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest ,
Doth all the winter-time , at still midnight ,
Walk round about an oak , with great ragg'd horns ;
And there he blasts the tree , and takes the cattle ,
And makes milch-kine yield blood , and shakes a chain 
In a most hideous and dreadful manner :
You have heard of such a spirit , and well you know 
The superstitious idle-headed eld 
Receiv'd and did deliver to our age 
This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth .

Why , yet there want not many that do fear 
In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak .
But what of this ?

Marry , this is our device ;
That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us ,
Disguis'd like Herne with huge horns on his head .

Well , let it not be doubted but he'll come ,
And in this shape when you have brought him thither ,
What shall be done with him ? what is your plot ?

That likewise have we thought upon , and thus :
Nan Page my daughter , and my little son ,
And three or four more of their growth , we'll dress 
Like urchins , ouphs and fairies , green and white ,
With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads ,
And rattles in their hands . Upon a sudden ,
As Falstaff , she , and I , are newly met ,
Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once 
With some diffused song : upon their sight ,
We two in great amazedness will fly :
Then let them all encircle him about ,
And , fairy-like , to-pinch the unclean knight ;
And ask him why , that hour of fairy revel ,
In their so sacred paths he dares to tread 
In shape profane .

And till he tell the truth ,
Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound 
And burn him with their tapers .

The truth being known ,
We'll all present ourselves , dis-horn the spirit ,
And mock him home to Windsor .

The children must 
Be practis'd well to this , or they'll ne'er do't .

I will teach the children their behaviours ; and I will be like a jack-an-apes also , to burn the knight with my taber .

That will be excellent . I'll go buy them vizards .

My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies ,
Finely attired in a robe of white .

That silk will I go buy :

and in that time 
Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away ,
And marry her at Eton . Go , send to Falstaff straight .

Nay , I'll to him again in name of Brook ;
He'll tell me all his purpose . Sure , he'll come .

Fear not you that . Go , get us properties ,
And tricking for our fairies .

Let us about it : it is admirable pleasures and fery honest knaveries .


Go , Mistress Ford ,
Send Quickly to Sir John , to know his mind .

I'll to the doctor : he hath my good will ,
And none but he , to marry with Nan Page .
That Slender , though well landed , is an idiot ;
And him my husband best of all affects :
The doctor is well money'd , and his friends 
Potent at court : he , none but he , shall have her ,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her .


What wouldst thou have , boor ? what , thick-skin ? speak , breathe , discuss ; brief , short , quick , snap .

Marry , sir , I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from Master Slender .

There's his chamber , his house , his castle , his standing-bed and truckle-bed : 'tis painted about with the story of the Prodigal , fresh and new . Go knock and call : he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee : knock , I say .

There's an old woman , a fat woman , gone up into his chamber : I'll be so bold as stay , sir , till she come down ; I come to speak with her , indeed .

Ha ! a fat woman ! the knight may be robbed : I'll call . Bully knight ! Bully Sir John ! speak from thy lungs military : art thou there ? it is thine host , thine Ephesian , calls .

How now , mine host !

Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman . Let her descend , bully ; let her descend ; my chambers are honourable : fie ! privacy ? fie !


There was , mine host , an old fat woman even now with me , but she's gone .

Pray you , sir , was't not the wise woman of Brainford ?

Ay , marry , was it , muscle-shell : what would you with her ?

My Master , sir , Master Slender , sent to her , seeing her go thorough the streets , to know , sir , whether one Nym , sir , that beguiled him of a chain , had the chain or no .

I spake with the old woman about it .

And what says she , I pray , sir ?

Marry , she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it .

I would I could have spoken with the woman herself : I had other things to have spoken with her too , from him .

What are they ? let us know .

Ay , come ; quick .

I may not conceal them , sir .

Conceal them , or thou diest .

Why , sir , they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page ; to know if it were my master's fortune to have her or no .

'Tis , 'tis his fortune .

What , sir ?

To have her , or no . Go ; say the woman told me so .

May I be bold to say so , sir ?

Ay , Sir Tike ; who more bold ?

I thank your worship : I shall make my master glad with these tidings .


Thou art clerkly , thou art clerkly , Sir John . Was there a wise woman with thee ?

Ay , that there was , mine host ; one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life : and I paid nothing for it neither , but was paid for my learning .


Out , alas , sir ! cozenage , mere cozenage !

Where be my horses ? speak well of them , varletto .

Run away , with the cozeners ; for so soon as I came beyond Eton , they threw me off , from behind one of them , in a slough of mire ; and set spurs and away , like three German devils , three Doctor Faustuses .

They are gone but to meet the duke , villain . Do not say they be fled : Germans are honest men .


Where is mine host ?

What is the matter , sir ?

Have a care of your entertainments : there is a friend of mine come to town , tells me , there is three cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of Readins , of Maidenhead , of Colebrook , of horses and money . I tell you for good will , look you : you are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs , and 'tis not convenient you should be cozened . Fare you well .

Vere is mine host de Jarteer ?

Here , Master doctor , in perplexity and doubtful dilemma .

I cannot tell vat is dat ; but it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany : by my trot , dere is no duke dat de court is know to come . I tell you for good vill : adieu .


Hue and cry , villain ! go . Assist me , knight ; I am undone . Fly , run , hue and cry , villain ! I am undone !


I would all the world might be cozened , for I have been cozened and beaten too . If it should come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed , and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled , they would melt me out of my fat drop by drop , and liquor fishermen's boots with me : I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I were as crest-fallen as a dried pear . I never prospered since I forswore myself at primero . Well , if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers , I would repent .

Now , whence come you ?

From the two parties , forsooth .

The devil take one party and his dam the other ! and so they shall be both bestowed . I have suffered more for their sakes , more than the villanous inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear .

And have not they suffered ? Yes , I warrant ; speciously one of them : Mistress Ford , good heart , is beaten black and blue , that you cannot see a white spot about her .

What tellest thou me of black and blue ? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow ; and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brainford : but that my admirable dexterity of wit , my counterfeiting the action of an old woman , delivered me , the knave constable had set me i' the stocks , i' the common stocks , for a witch .

Sir , let me speak with you in your chamber ; you shall hear how things go , and , I warrant , to your content . Here is a letter will say somewhat . Good hearts ! what ado here is to bring you together ! Sure , one of you does not serve heaven well , that you are so crossed .

Come up into my chamber .


Master Fenton , talk not to me : my mind is heavy ; I will give over all .

Yet hear me speak . Assist me in my purpose ,
And , as I am a gentleman , I'll give thee 
A hundred pound in gold more than your loss .

I will hear you , Master Fenton ; and I will , at the least , keep your counsel .

From time to time I have acquainted you 
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page ;
Who , mutually hath answer'd my affection ,
So far forth as herself might be her chooser ,
Even to my wish . I have a letter from her 
Of such contents as you will wonder at ;
The mirth whereof so larded with my matter ,
That neither singly can be manifested ,
Without the show of both ; wherein fat Falstaff 
Hath a great scare : the image of the jest 
I'll show you here at large 

Hark , good mine host :
To-night at Herne's oak , just 'twixt twelve and one ,
Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen ;
The purpose why , is here : in which disguise ,
While other jests are something rank on foot ,
Her father hath commanded her to slip 
Away with Slender , and with him at Eton 
Immediately to marry : she hath consented :
Now , sir ,
Her mother , even strong against that match 
And firm for Doctor Caius , hath appointed 
That he shall likewise shuffle her away ,
While other sports are tasking of their minds ;
And at the deanery , where a priest attends ,
Straight marry her : to this her mother's plot 
She , seemingly obedient , likewise hath 
Made promise to the doctor . Now , thus it rests :
Her father means she shall be all in white ,
And in that habit , when Slender sees his time 
To take her by the hand and bid her go ,
She shall go with him : her mother hath intended ,
The better to denote her to the doctor ,
For they must all be mask'd and vizarded 
That quaint in green she shall be loose enrob'd ,
With ribands pendent , flaring 'bout her head ;
And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe ,
To pinch her by the hand ; and on that token 
The maid hath given consent to go with him .

Which means she to deceive , father or mother ?

Both , my good host , to go along with me :
And here it rests , that you'll procure the vicar 
To stay for me at church 'twixt twelve and one ,
And , in the lawful name of marrying ,
To give our hearts united ceremony .

Well , husband your device ; I'll to the vicar .
Bring you the maid , you shall not lack a priest .

So shall I evermore be bound to thee ;
Besides , I'll make a present recompense .

Prithee , no more prattling ; go : I'll hold . This is the third time ; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers . Away ! go . They say there is divinity in odd numbers , either in nativity , chance or death . Away !

I'll provide you a chain , and I'll do what I can to get you a pair of horns .

Away , I say ; time wears : hold up your head , and mince .


How now , Master Brook ! Master Brook , the matter will be known to-night , or never . Be you in the Park about midnight , at Herne's oak , and you shall see wonders .

Went you not to her yesterday , sir , as you told me you had appointed ?

I went to her , Master Brook , as you see , like a poor old man ; but I came from her , Master Brook , like a poor old woman . That same knave Ford , her husband , hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him , Master Brook , that ever governed frenzy . I will tell you : he beat me grievously , in the shape of a woman ; for in the shape of a man , Master Brook , I fear not Goliath with a weaver's beam , because I know also life is a shuttle . I am in haste : go along with me ; I'll tell you all , Master Brook . Since I plucked geese , played traunt , and whipped top , I knew not what it was to be beaten till lately . Follow me : I'll tell you strange things of this knave Ford , on whom to-night I will be revenged , and I will deliver his wife into your hand . Follow . Strange things in hand , Master Brook ! Follow .


Come , come ; we'll couch i' the castle-ditch till we see the light of our fairies . Remember , son Slender , my daughter .

Ay , forsooth ; I have spoke with her and we have a nayword how to know one another . I come to her in white , and cry , 'mum ;' she cries , 'budget ;' and by that we know one another .

That's good too : but what needs either your 'mum ,' or her 'budget ?' the white will decipher her well enough . It hath struck ten o'clock .

The night is dark ; light and spirits will become it well . Heaven prosper our sport ! No man means evil but the devil , and we shall know him by his horns . Let's away ; follow me .


Master Doctor , my daughter is in green : when you see your time , take her by the hand , away with her to the deanery , and dispatch it quickly . Go before into the Park : we two must go together .

I know vat I have to do . Adieu .

Fare you well , sir .

My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff , as he will chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter : but 'tis no matter ; better a little chiding than a great deal of heart break .

Where is Nan now and her troop of fairies , and the Welsh devil , Hugh ?

They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne's oak , with obscured lights ; which , at the very instant of Falstaff's and our meeting , they will at once display to the night .

That cannot choose but amaze him .

If he be not amazed , he will be mocked ; if he be amazed , he will every way be mocked .

We'll betray him finely .

Against such lewdsters and their lechery ,
Those that betray them do no treachery .

The hour draws on : to the oak , to the oak !


Trib , trib , fairies : come ; and remember your parts . Be pold , I pray you ; follow me into the pit , and when I give the watch-ords , do as I pid you . Come , come ; trib , trib .


The Windsor bell hath struck twelve ; the minute draws on . Now , the hot-blooded gods assist me ! Remember , Jove , thou wast a bull for thy Europa ; love set on thy horns . O powerful love ! that , in some respects , makes a beast a man ; in some other , a man a beast . You were also , Jupiter , a swan for the love of Leda ; O omnipotent love ! how near the god drew to the complexion of a goose ! A fault done first in the form of a beast ; O Jove , a beastly fault ! and then another fault in the semblance of a fowl : think on 't , Jove ; a foul fault ! When gods have hot backs , what shall poor men do ? For me , I am here a Windsor stag ; and the fattest , I think , i' the forest : send me a cool rut-time , Jove , or who can blame me to piss my tallow ? Who comes here ? my doe ?


Sir John ! art thou there , my deer ? my male deer ?

My doe with the black scut ! Let the sky rain potatoes ; let it thunder to the tune of 'Green Sleeves ;' hail kissing-comfits and snow eringoes ; let there come a tempest of provocation , I will shelter me here .


Mistress Page is come with me , sweetheart .

Divide me like a brib'd buck , each a haunch : I will keep my sides to myself , my shoulders for the fellow of this walk , and my horns I bequeath your husbands . Am I a woodman , ha ? Speak I like Herne the hunter ? Why , now is Cupid a child of conscience ; he makes restitution . As I am a true spirit , welcome !


Alas ! what noise ?

Heaven forgive our sins !

What should this be ?

Away , away !

Away , away !


I think the devil will not have me damned , lest the oil that is in me should set hell on fire ; he would never else cross me thus .


Fairies , black , grey , green , and white ,
You moonshine revellers , and shades of night ,
You orphan heirs of fixed destiny ,
Attend your office and your quality .
Crier Hobgoblin , make the fairy oyes .

Elves , list your names : silence , you airy toys !
Cricket , to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap :
Where fires thou find'st unrak'd and hearths unswept ,
There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry :
Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery .

They are fairies ; he that speaks to them shall die :
I'll wink and couch : no man their works must eye .


Where's Bede ? Go you , and where you find a maid 
That , ere she sleep , has thrice her prayers said ,
Rein up the organs of her fantasy ,
Sleep she as sound as careless infancy ;
But those that sleep and think not on their sins ,
Pinch them , arms , legs , backs , shoulders , sides , and shins .

About , about !
Search Windsor castle , elves , within and out :
Strew good luck , ouphs , on every sacred room ,
That it may stand till the perpetual doom ,
In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit ,
Worthy the owner , and the owner it .
The several chairs of order look you scour 
With juice of balm and every precious flower :
Each fair instalment , coat , and several crest ,
With loyal blazon , ever more be blest !
And nightly , meadow-fairies , look you sing ,
Like to the Garter's compass , in a ring :
The expressure that it bears , green let it be ,
More fertile-fresh than all the field to see ;
And , Honi soit qui mal y pense write 
In emerald tufts , flowers purple , blue , and white ;
Like sapphire , pearl , and rich embroidery ,
Buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee :
Fairies use flowers for their charactery .
Away ! disperse ! But , till 'tis one o'clock ,
Our dance of custom round about the oak 
Of Herne the hunter , let us not forget .

Pray you , lock hand in hand ; yourselves in order set ;
And twenty glow-worms shall our lanthorns be ,
To guide our measure round about the tree .
But , stay ; I smell a man of middle-earth .

Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy , lest he transform me to a piece of cheese !

Vile worm , thou wast o'erlook'd even in thy birth .

With trial-fire touch me his finger-end :
If he be chaste , the flame will back descend 
And turn him to no pain ; but if he start ,
It is the flesh of a corrupted heart .

A trial ! come .

Come , will this wood take fire ?


Oh , oh , oh !

Corrupt , corrupt , and tainted in desire !
About him , fairies , sing a scornful rime ;
And , as you trip , still pinch him to your time .

Fie on sinful fantasy !
Fie on lust and luxury !
Lust is but a bloody fire ,
Kindled with unchaste desire ,
Fed in heart , whose flames aspire ,
As thoughts do blow them higher and higher .
Pinch him , fairies , mutually ;
Pinch him for his villany ;
Pinch him , and burn him , and turn him about ,
Till candles and star-light and moonshine be out .


Nay , do not fly : I think we have watch'd you now :
Will none but Herne the hunter serve your turn ?

I pray you , come , hold up the jest no higher .
Now , good Sir John , how like you Windsor wives ?
See you these , husband ? do not these fair yokes 
Become the forest better than the town ?

Now sir , who's a cuckold now ? Master Brook , Falstaff's a knave , a cuckoldly knave ; here are his horns , Master Brook : and , Master Brook , he hath enjoyed nothing of Ford's but his buck-basket , his cudgel , and twenty pounds of money , which must be paid too , Master Brook ; his horses are arrested for it , Master Brook .

Sir John , we have had ill luck ; we could never meet . I will never take you for my love again , but I will always count you my deer .

I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass .

Ay , and an ox too ; both the proofs are extant .

And these are not fairies ? I was three or four times in the thought they were not fairies ; and yet the guiltiness of my mind , the sudden surprise of my powers , drove the grossness of the foppery into a received belief , in despite of the teeth of all rime and reason , that they were fairies . See now how wit may be made a Jack-a-lent , when 'tis upon ill employment !

Sir John Falstaff , serve Got , and leave your desires , and fairies will not pinse you .

Well said , fairy Hugh .

And leave you your jealousies too , I pray you .

I will never mistrust my wife again , till thou art able to woo her in good English .

Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it , that it wants matter to prevent so gross o'er-reaching as this ? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too ? shall I have a coxcomb of frize ? 'Tis time I were choked with a piece of toasted cheese .

Seese is not goot to give putter : your pelly is all putter .

'Seese' and 'putter !' have I lived to stand at the taunt of one that makes fritters of English ? This is enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking through the realm .

Why , Sir John , do you think , though we would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the head and shoulders , and have given ourselves without scruple to hell , that ever the devil could have made you our delight ?

What , a hodge-pudding ? a bag of flax ?

A puffed man ?

Old , cold , withered , and of intolerable entrails ?

And one that is as slanderous as Satan ?

And as poor as Job ?

And as wicked as his wife ?

And given to fornications , and to taverns , and sack and wine and metheglins , and to drinkings and swearings and starings , pribbles and prabbles ?

Well , I am your theme : you have the start of me ; I am dejected ; I am not able to answer the Welsh flannel . Ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me : use me as you will .

Marry , sir , we'll bring you to Windsor , to one Master Brook , that you have cozened of money , to whom you should have been a pander : over and above that you have suffered , I think , to repay that money will be a biting affliction .

Nay , husband , let that go to make amends ;
Forgive that sum , and so we'll all be friends .

Well , here's my hand : all is forgiven at last .

Yet be cheerful , knight : thou shalt eat a posset to-night at my house ; where I will desire thee to laugh at my wife , that now laughs at thee . Tell her , Master Slender hath married her daughter .

Doctors doubt that : if Anne Page be my daughter , she is , by this Doctor Caius' wife .


Whoa , ho ! ho ! father Page !

Son , how now ! how now , son ! have you dispatched ?

Dispatched ! I'll make the best in Gloster-shire know on 't ; would I were hanged , la , else !

Of what , son ?

I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne Page , and she's a great lubberly boy : if it had not been i' the church , I would have swinged him , or he should have swinged me . If I did not think it had been Anne Page , would I might never stir ! and 'tis a postmaster's boy .

Upon my life , then , you took the wrong .

What need you tell me that ? I think so , when I took a boy for a girl . If I had been married to him , for all he was in woman's apparel , I would not have had him .

Why , this is your own folly . Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter by her garments ?

I went to her in white , and cried , 'mum ,' and she cried 'budget ,' as Anne and I had appointed ; and yet it was not Anne , but a postmaster's boy .

Jeshu ! Master Slender , cannot you see put marry poys ?

O I am vexed at heart : what shall I do ?

Good George , be not angry : I knew of your purpose ; turned my daughter into green ; and , indeed , she is now with the doctor at the deanery , and there married .


Vere is Mistress Page ? By gar , I am cozened : I ha' married un gar on , a boy ; un paysan , by gar , a boy ; it is not Anne Page : by gar , I am cozened .

Why , did you not take her in green ?

Ay , by gar , and 'tis a boy : by gar , I'll raise all Windsor .


This is strange . Who hath got the right Anne ?

My heart misgives me : here comes Master Fenton .

How now , Master Fenton !

Pardon , good father ! good my mother , pardon !

Now , mistress , how chance you went not with Master Slender ?

Why went you not with Master Doctor , maid ?

You do amaze her : hear the truth of it .
You would have married her most shamefully ,
Where there was no proportion held in love .
The truth is , she and I , long since contracted ,
Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us .
The offence is holy that she hath committed ,
And this deceit loses the name of craft ,
Of disobedience , or unduteous title ,
Since therein she doth evitate and shun 
A thousand irreligious cursed hours ,
Which forced marriage would have brought upon her .

Stand not amaz'd : here is no remedy :
In love the heavens themselves do guide the state :
Money buys lands , and wives are sold by fate .

I am glad , though you have ta'en a special stand to strike at me , that your arrow hath glanced .

Well , what remedy ?Fenton , heaven give thee joy !
What cannot be eschew'd must be embrac'd .

When night dogs run all sorts of deer are chas'd .

Well , I will muse no further . Master Fenton ,
Heaven give you many , many merry days !
Good husband , let us every one go home ,
And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire ;
Sir John and all .

Let it be so . Sir John ,
To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word ;
For he to-night shall lie with Mistress Ford .