If music be the food of love , play on ;
Give me excess of it , that , surfeiting ,
The appetite may sicken , and so die .
That strain again ! it had a dying fall :
O ! it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound 
That breathes upon a bank of violets ,
Stealing and giving odour . Enough ! no more :
'Tis not so sweet now as it was before .
O spirit of love ! how quick and fresh art thou ,
That , notwithstanding thy capacity 
Receiveth as the sea , nought enters there ,
Of what validity and pitch soe'er ,
But falls into abatement and low price ,
Even in a minute : so full of shapes is fancy ,
That it alone is high fantastical .

Will you go hunt , my lord ?

What , Curio ?

The hart .

Why , so I do , the noblest that I have .
O ! when mine eyes did see Olivia first ,
Methought she purg'd the air of pestilence .
That instant was I turn'd into a hart ,
And my desires , like fell and cruel hounds ,
E'er since pursue me .

How now ! what news from her ?

So please my lord , I might not be admitted ;
But from her handmaid do return this answer :
The element itself , till seven years' heat ,
Shall not behold her face at ample view ;
But , like a cloistress , she will veiled walk ,
And water once a day her chamber round 
With eve-offending brine : all this , to season 
A brother's dead love , which she would keep fresh 
And lasting in her sad remembrance .

O ! she that hath a heart of that fine frame 
To pay this debt of love but to a brother ,
How will she love , when the rich golden shaft 
Hath kill'd the flock of all affections else 
That live in her ; when liver , brain , and heart ,
These sovereign thrones , are all supplied , and fill'd 
Her sweet perfections with one self king .
Away before me to sweet beds of flowers ;
Love-thoughts lie rich when canopied with bowers .


What country , friends , is this ?

This is Illyria , lady .

And what should I do in Illyria ?
My brother he is in Elysium .
Perchance he is not drown'd : what think you sailors ?

It is perchance that you yourself were sav'd .

O my poor brother ! and so perchance may he be .

True , madam : and , to comfort you with chance ,
Assure yourself , after our ship did split ,
When you and those poor number sav'd with you 
Hung on our driving boat , I saw your brother ,
Most provident in peril , bind himself ,
Courage and hope both teaching him the practice ,
To a strong mast that liv'd upon the sea ;
Where , like Arion on the dolphin's back ,
I saw him hold acquaintance with the waves 
So long as I could see .

For saying so there's gold .
Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope ,
Whereto thy speech serves for authority ,
The like of him . Know'st thou this country ?

Ay , madam , well ; for I was bred and born 
Not three hours' travel from this very place .

Who governs here ?

A noble duke , in nature as in name .

What is his name ?

Orsino .

Orsino ! I have heard my father name him :
He was a bachelor then .

And so is now , or was so very late ;
For but a month ago I went from hence ,
And then 'twas fresh in murmur ,as , you know ,
What great ones do the less will prattle of ,
That he did seek the love of fair Olivia .

What's she ?

A virtuous maid , the daughter of a count 
That died some twelvemonth since ; then leaving her 
In the protection of his son , her brother ,
Who shortly also died : for whose dear love ,
They say she hath abjur'd the company 
And sight of men .

O ! that I serv'd that lady ,
And might not be deliver'd to the world ,
Till I had made mine own occasion mellow ,
What my estate is .

That were hard to compass ,
Because she will admit no kind of suit ,
No , not the duke's .

There is a fair behaviour in thee , captain ;
And though that nature with a beauteous wall 
Doth oft close in pollution , yet of thee 
I will believe thou hast a mind that suits 
With this thy fair and outward character .
I prithee ,and I'll pay thee bounteously ,
Conceal me what I am , and be my aid 
For such disguise as haply shall become 
The form of my intent . I'll serve this duke :
Thou shalt present me as a eunuch to him :
It may be worth thy pains ; for I can sing 
And speak to him in many sorts of music 
That will allow me very worth his service .
What else may hap to time I will commit ;
Only shape thou thy silence to my wit .

Be you his eunuch , and your mute I'll be :
When my tongue blabs , then let mine eyes not see .

I thank thee : lead me on .


What a plague means my niece , to take the death of her brother thus ? I am sure care's an enemy to life .

By my troth , Sir Toby , you must come in earlier o' nights : your cousin , my lady , takes great exceptions to your ill hours .

Why , let her except before excepted .

Ay , but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order .

Confine ! I'll confine myself no finer than I am . These clothes are good enough to drink in , and so be these boots too : an they be not , let them hang themselves in their own straps .

That quaffing and drinking will undo you : I heard my lady talk of it yesterday ; and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer .

Who ? Sir Andrew Aguecheek ?

Ay , he .

He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria .

What's that to the purpose ?

Why , he has three thousand ducats a year .

Ay , but he'll have but a year in all these ducats : he's a very fool and a prodigal .

Fie , that you'll say so ! he plays o' the viol-de-gamboys , and speaks three or four languages word for word without book , and hath all the good gifts of nature .

He hath indeed , almost natural ; for , besides that he's a fool , he's a great quarreller ; and but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling , 'tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave .

By this hand , they are scoundrels and substractors that say so of him . Who are they ?

They that add , moreover , he's drunk nightly in your company .

With drinking healths to my niece . I'll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria . He's a coward and a coystril , that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o' the toe like a parish-top . What , wench ! Castiliano vulgo ! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface .


Sir Toby Belch ! how now , Sir Toby Belch !

Sweet Sir Andrew !

Bless you , fair shrew .

And you too , sir .

Accost , Sir Andrew , accost .

What's that ?

My niece's chambermaid .

Good Mistress Accost , I desire better acquaintance .

My name is Mary , sir .

Good Mistress Mary Accost ,

You mistake , knight : 'accost' is , front her , board her , woo her , assail her .

By my troth , I would not undertake her in this company . Is that the meaning of 'accost ?' 

Fare you well , gentlemen .

An thou let her part so , Sir Andrew , would thou mightst never draw sword again !

An you part so , mistress , I would I might never draw sword again . Fair lady , do you think you have fools in hand ?

Sir , I have not you by the hand .

Marry , but you shall have ; and here's my hand .

Now , sir , 'thought is free :' I pray you , bring your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink .

Wherefore , sweetheart ? what's your metaphor ?

It's dry , sir .

Why , I think so : I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry . But what's your jest ?

A dry jest , sir .

Are you full of them ?

Ay , sir , I have them at my fingers' ends : marry , now I let go your hand , I am barren .


O knight ! thou lackest a cup of canary : when did I see thee so put down ?

Never in your life , I think ; unless you see canary put me down . Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has ; but I am a great eater of beef , and I believe that does harm to my wit .

No question .

An I thought that , I'd forswear it .
I'll ride home to-morrow , Sir Toby .

Pourquoi , my dear knight ?

What is 'pourquoi ?' do or not do ? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing , dancing , and bear-baiting . O ! had I but followed the arts !

Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair .

Why , would that have mended my hair ?

Past question ; for thou seest it will not curl by nature .

But it becomes me well enough , does't not ?

Excellent ; it hangs like flax on a distaff , and I hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs , and spin it off .

Faith , I'll home to-morrow , Sir Toby : your niece will not be seen ; or if she be , it's four to one she'll none of me . The count himself here hard by woos her .

She'll none o' the count ; she'll not match above her degree , neither in estate , years , nor wit ; I have heard her swear it . Tut , there's life in't , man .

I'll stay a month longer . I am a fellow o' the strangest mind i' the world ; I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether .

Art thou good at these kickchawses , knight ?

As any man in Illyria , whatsoever he be , under the degree of my betters : and yet I will not compare with an old man .

What is thy excellence in a galliard , knight ?

Faith , I can cut a caper .

And I can cut the mutton to't .

And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria .

Wherefore are these things hid ? wherefore have these gifts a curtain before 'em ? are they like to take dust , like Mistress Mall's picture ? why dost thou not go to church in a galliard , and come home in a coranto ? My very walk should be a jig : I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace . What dost thou mean ? is it a world to hide virtues in ? I did think , by the excellent constitution of thy leg , it was formed under the star of a galliard .

Ay , 'tis strong , and it does indifferent well in a flame-coloured stock . Shall we set about some revels ?

What shall we do else ? were we not born under Taurus ?

Taurus ! that's sides and heart .

No , sir , it is legs and thighs . Let me see thee caper . Ha ! higher : ha , ha ! excellent !


If the duke continue these favours towards you , Cesario , you are like to be much advanced : he hath known you but three days , and already you are no stranger .

You either fear his humour or my negligence , that you call in question the continuance of his love . Is he inconstant , sir , in his favours ?

No , believe me .

I thank you . Here comes the count .


Who saw Cesario ? ho !

On your attendance , my lord ; here .

Stand you awhile aloof . Cesario ,
Thou know'st no less but all ; I have unclasp'd 
To thee the book even of my secret soul :
Therefore , good youth , address thy gait unto her ,
Be not denied access , stand at her doors ,
And tell them , there thy fixed foot shall grow 
Till thou have audience .

Sure , my noble lord ,
If she be so abandon'd to her sorrow 
As it is spoke , she never will admit me .

Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds 
Rather than make unprofited return .

Say I do speak with her , my lord , what then ?

O ! then unfold the passion of my love ;
Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith :
It shall become thee well to act my woes ;
She will attend it better in thy youth 
Than in a nuncio of more grave aspect .

I think not so , my lord .

Dear lad , believe it ;
For they shall yet belie thy happy years 
That say thou art a man : Diana's lip 
Is not more smooth and rubious ; thy small pipe 
Is as the maiden's organ , shrill and sound ;
And all is semblative a woman's part .
I know thy constellation is right apt 
For this affair . Some four or five attend him ;
All , if you will ; for I myself am best 
When least in company . Prosper well in this ,
And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord ,
To call his fortunes thine .

I'll do my best 
To woo your lady :

yet , a barful strife !
Whoe'er I woo , myself would be his wife .


Nay , either tell me where thou hast been , or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse . My lady will hang thee for thy absence .

Let her hang me : he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours .

Make that good .

He shall see none to fear .

A good lenten answer : I can tell thee where that saying was born , of , 'I fear no colours .' 

Where , good Mistress Mary ?

In the wars ; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery .

Well , God give them wisdom that have it ; and those that are fools , let them use their talents .

Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent ; or , to be turned away , is not that as good as a hanging to you ?

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage ; and , for turning away , let summer bear it out .

You are resolute then ?

Not so , neither ; but I am resolved on two points .

That if one break , the other will hold ; or , if both break , your gaskins fall .

Apt , in good faith ; very apt . Well , go thy way : if Sir Toby would leave drinking , thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria .

Peace , you rogue , no more o' that . Here comes my lady : make your excuse wisely , you were best .


Wit , an't be thy will , put me into good fooling ! Those wits that think they have thee , do very oft prove fools ; and I , that am sure I lack thee , may pass for a wise man : for what says Quinapalus ? 'Better a witty fool than a foolish wit .' 

God bless thee , lady !

Take the fool away .

Do you not hear , fellows ? Take away the lady .

Go to , you're a dry fool ; I'll no more of you : besides , you grow dishonest .

Two faults , madonna , that drink and good counsel will amend : for give the dry fool drink , then is the fool not dry ; bid the dishonest man mend himself : if he mend , he is no longer dishonest ; if he cannot , let the botcher mend him . Any thing that's mended is but patched : virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin ; and sin that amends is but patched with virtue . If that this simple syllogism will serve , so ; if it will not , what remedy ? As there is no true cuckold but calamity , so beauty's a flower . The lady bade take away the fool ; therefore , I say again , take her away .

Sir , I bade them take away you .

Misprision in the highest degree ! Lady , cucullus non facit monachum ; that's as much to say as I wear not motley in my brain . Good madonna , give me leave to prove you a fool .

Can you do it ?

Dexteriously , good madonna .

Make your proof .

I must catechise you for it , madonna : good my mouse of virtue , answer me .

Well , sir , for want of other idleness , I'll bide your proof .

Good madonna , why mournest thou ?

Good fool , for my brother's death .

I think his soul is in hell , madonna .

I know his soul is in heaven , fool .

The more fool , madonna , to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven . Take away the fool , gentlemen .

What think you of this fool , Malvolio ? doth he not mend ?

Yes ; and shall do , till the pangs of death shake him : infirmity , that decays the wise , doth ever make the better fool .

God send you , sir , a speedy infirmity , for the better increasing your folly ! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox , but he will not pass his word for two pence that you are no fool .

How say you to that , Malvolio ?

I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal : I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone . Look you now , he's out of his guard already ; unless you laugh and minister occasion to him , he is gagged . I protest , I take these wise men , that crow so at these set kind of fools , no better than the fools' zanies .

O ! you are sick of self-love , Malvolio , and taste with a distempered appetite . To be generous , guiltless , and of free disposition , is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets . There is no slander in an allowed fool , though he do nothing but rail ; nor no railing in a known discreet man , though he do nothing but reprove .

Now , Mercury endue thee with leasing , for thou speakest well of fools !


Madam , there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you .

From the Count Orsino , is it ?

I know not , madam : 'tis a fair young man , and well attended .

Who of my people hold him in delay ?

Sir Toby , madam , your kinsman .

Fetch him off , I pray you : he speaks nothing but madman . Fie on him !


Now you see , sir , how your fooling grows old , and people dislike it .

Thou hast spoken for us , madonna , as if thy eldest son should be a fool ; whose skull Jove cram with brains ! for here comes one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater .


By mine honour , half drunk . What is he at the gate , cousin ?

A gentleman .

A gentleman ! what gentleman ?

'Tis a gentleman here ,a plague o' these pickle herring ! How now , sot !

Good Sir Toby .

Cousin , cousin , how have you come so early by this lethargy ?

Lechery ! I defy lechery ! There's one at the gate .

Ay , marry , what is he ?

Let him be the devil , an he will , I care not : give me faith , say I . Well , it's all one .


What's a drunken man like , fool ?

Like a drowned man , a fool , and a madman : one draught above heat makes him a fool , the second mads him , and a third drowns him .

Go thou and seek the crowner , and let him sit o' my coz ; for he's in the third degree of drink , he's drowned : go , look after him .

He is but mad yet , madonna ; and the fool shall look to the madman .

Madam , yond young fellow swears he will speak with you . I told him you were sick : he takes on him to understand so much , and therefore comes to speak with you . I told him you were asleep : he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too , and therefore comes to speak with you . What is to be said to him , lady ? he's fortified against any denial .

Tell him he shall not speak with me .

Ha's been told so ; and he says , he'll stand at your door like a sheriff's post , and be the supporter to a bench , but he'll speak with you .

What kind o' man is he ?

Why , of mankind .

What manner of man ?

Of very ill manner : he'll speak with you , will you or no .

Of what personage and years is he ?

Not yet old enough for a man , nor young enough for a boy ; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod , or a codling when 'tis almost an apple : 'tis with him in standing water , between boy and man . He is very well-favoured , and he speaks very shrewishly : one would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him .

Let him approach . Call in my gentlewoman .

Gentlewoman , my lady calls .

Give me my veil : come , throw it o'er my face .
We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy .


The honourable lady of the house , which is she ?

Speak to me ; I shall answer for her .
Your will ?

Most radiant , exquisite , and unmatchable beauty ,I pray you tell me if this be the lady of the house , for I never saw her : I would be loath to cast away my speech ; for , besides that it is excellently well penned , I have taken great pains to con it . Good beauties , let me sustain no scorn ; I am very comptible , even to the least sinister usage .

Whence came you , sir ?

I can say little more than I have studied , and that question's out of my part . Good gentle one , give me modest assurance if you be the lady of the house , that I may proceed in my speech .

Are you a comedian ?

No , my profound heart ; and yet , by the very fangs of malice I swear I am not that I play . Are you the lady of the house ?

If I do not usurp myself , I am .

Most certain , if you are she , you do usurp yourself ; for , what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve . But this is from my commission : I will on with my speech in your praise , and then show you the heart of my message .

Come to what is important in't : I forgive you the praise .

Alas ! I took great pains to study it , and 'tis poetical .

It is the more like to be feigned : I pray you keep it in . I heard you were saucy at my gates , and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you than to hear you . If you be not mad , be gone ; if you have reason , be brief : 'tis not that time of moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue .

Will you hoist sail , sir ? here lies your way .

No , good swabber ; I am to hull here a little longer . Some mollification for your giant , sweet lady .

Tell me your mind .

I am a messenger .

Sure , you have some hideous matter to deliver , when the courtesy of it is so fearful . Speak your office .

It alone concerns your ear . I bring no overture of war , no taxation of homage : I hold the olive in my hand ; my words are as full of peace as matter .

Yet you began rudely . What are you ? what would you ?

The rudeness that hath appear'd in me have I learn'd from my entertainment . What I am , and what I would , are as secret as maiden-head ; to your ears , divinity ; to any other's , profanation .

Give us the place alone : we will hear this divinity .

Now , sir ; what is your text ?

Most sweet lady ,

A comfortable doctrine , and much may be said of it . Where lies your text ?

In Orsino's bosom .

In his bosom ! In what chapter of his bosom ?

To answer by the method , in the first of his heart .

O ! I have read it : it is heresy . Have you no more to say ?

Good madam , let me see your face .

Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate with my face ? you are now out of your text : but we will draw the curtain and show you the picture .

Look you , sir , such a one I was as this present : is't not well done ?

Excellently done , if God did all .

'Tis in grain , sir ; 'twill endure wind and weather .

'Tis beauty truly blent , whose red and white 
Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on :
Lady , you are tho cruell'st she alive ,
If you will lead these graces to the grave 
And leave the world no copy .

O ! sir , I will not be so hard-hearted ; I will give out divers schedules of my beauty : it shall be inventoried , and every particle and utensil labelled to my will : as Item , Two lips , indifferent red ; Item , Two grey eyes , with lids to them ; Item , One neck , one chin , and so forth . Were you sent hither to praise me ?

I see you what you are : you are too proud ;
But , if you were the devil , you are fair .
My lord and master loves you : O ! such love 
Could be but recompens'd , though you were crown'd 
The nonpareil of beauty .

How does he love me ?

With adorations , with fertile tears ,
With groans that thunder love , with sighs of fire .

Your lord does know my mind ; I cannot love him ;
Yet I suppose him virtuous , know him noble ,
Of great estate , of fresh and stainless youth ;
In voices well divulg'd , free , learn'd , and valiant ;
And , in dimension and the shape of nature 
A gracious person ; but yet I cannot love him :
He might have took his answer long ago .

If I did love you in my master's flame ,
With such a suffering , such a deadly life ,
In your denial I would find no sense ;
I would not understand it .

Why , what would you ?

Make me a willow cabin at your gate ,
And call upon my soul within the house ;
Write loyal cantons of contemned love ,
And sing them loud even in the dead of night ;
Holla your name to the reverberate hills ,
And make the babbling gossip of the air 
Cry out , 'Olivia !' O ! you should not rest 
Between the elements of air and earth ,
But you should pity me !

You might do much . What is your parentage ?

Above my fortune , yet my state is well :
I am a gentleman .

Get you to your lord :
I cannot love him . Let him send no more ,
Unless , perchance , you come to me again ,
To tell me how he takes it . Fare you well :
I thank you for your pains : spend this for me .

I am no fee'd post , lady ; keep your purse :
My master , not myself , lacks recompense .
Love make his heart of flint that you shall love ,
And let your fervour , like my master's , be 
Plac'd in contempt ! Farewell , fair cruelty .


'What is your parentage ?' 
'Above my fortunes , yet my state is well :
I am a gentleman .' I'll be sworn thou art :
Thy tongue , thy face , thy limbs , actions , and spirit ,
Do give thee five-fold blazon . Not too fast : soft ! soft !
Unless the master were the man . How now !
Even so quickly may one catch the plague ?
Methinks I feel this youth's perfections 
With an invisible and subtle stealth 
To creep in at mine eyes . Well , let it be .
What , ho ! Malvolio !


Here , madam , at your service .

Run after that same peevish messenger ,
The county's man : he left this ring behind him ,
Would I , or not : tell him I'll none of it .
Desire him not to flatter with his lord ,
Nor hold him up with hopes : I'm not for him .
If that the youth will come this way to-morrow ,
I'll give him reasons for't . Hie thee , Malvolio .

Madam , I will .


I do I know not what , and fear to find 
Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind .
Fate , show thy force : ourselves we do not owe ;
What is decreed must be , and be this so !

Will you stay no longer ? nor will you not that I go with you ?

By your patience , no . My stars shine darkly over me ; the malignancy of my fate might , perhaps , distemper yours ; therefore I shall crave of you your leave that I may bear my evils alone . It were a bad recompense for your love to lay any of them on you .

Let me yet know of you whither you are bound .

No , sooth , sir : my determinate voyage is mere extravagancy . But I perceive in you so excellent a touch of modesty that you will not extort from me what I am willing to keep in ; therefore , it charges me in manners the rather to express myself . You must know of me then , Antonio , my name is Sebastian , which I called Roderigo . My father was that Sebastian of Messaline , whom I know you have heard of . He left behind him myself and a sister , both born in an hour : if the heavens had been pleased , would we had so ended ! but you , sir , altered that ; for some hour before you took me from the breach of the sea was my sister drowned .

Alas the day !

A lady , sir , though it was said she much resembled me , was yet of many accounted beautiful : but , though I could not with such estimable wonder overfar believe that , yet thus far I will boldly publish her : she bore a mind that envy could not but call fair . She is drowned already , sir , with salt water , though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more .

Pardon me , sir , your bad entertainment .

O good Antonio ! forgive me your trouble !

If you will not murder me for my love , let me be your servant .

If you will not undo what you have done , that is , kill him whom you have recovered , desire it not . Fare ye well at once : my bosom is full of kindness ; and I am yet so near the manners of my mother , that upon the least occasion more mine eyes will tell tales of me . I am bound to the Count Orsino's court : farewell .


The gentleness of all the gods go with thee !
I have many enemies in Orsino's court ,
Else would I very shortly see thee there ;
But , come what may , I do adore thee so ,
That danger shall seem sport , and I will go .


Were not you even now with the Countess Olivia ?

Even now , sir : on a moderate pace I have since arrived but hither .

She returns this ring to you , sir : you might have saved me my pains , to have taken it away yourself . She adds , moreover , that you should put your lord into a desperate assurance she will none of him . And one thing more ; that you be never so hardy to come again in his affairs , unless it be to report your lord's taking of this . Receive it so .

She took the ring of me ; I'll none of it .

Come , sir , you peevishly threw it to her ; and her will is it should be so returned : if it be worth stooping for , there it lies in your eye ; if not , be it his that finds it .


I left no ring with her : what means this lady ?
Fortune forbid my outside have not charm'd her !
She made good view of me ; indeed , so much ,
That sure methought her eyes had lost her tongue ,
For she did speak in starts distractedly .
She loves me , sure ; the cunning of her passion 
Invites me in this churlish messenger .
None of my lord's ring ! why , he sent her none .
I am the man : if it be so , as 'tis ,
Poor lady , she were better love a dream .
Disguise , I see , thou art a wickedness ,
Wherein the pregnant enemy does much .
How easy is it for the proper-false 
In women's waxen hearts to set their forms !
Alas ! our frailty is the cause , not we !
For such as we are made of , such we be .
How will this fadge ? My master loves her dearly ;
And I , poor monster , fond as much on him ;
And she , mistaken , seems to dote on me .
What will become of this ? As I am man ,
My state is desperate for my master's love ;
As I am woman ,now alas the day !
What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe !
O time ! thou must untangle this , not I ;
It is too hard a knot for me to untie .


Approach , Sir Andrew : not to be a-bed after midnight is to be up betimes ; and diluculo surgere , thou knowest ,

Nay , by my troth , I know not ; but I know , to be up late is to be up late .

A false conclusion : I hate it as an unfilled can . To be up after midnight and to go to bed then , is early ; so that to go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes . Does not our life consist of the four elements ?

Faith , so they say ; but , I think , it rather consists of eating and drinking .

Thou art a scholar ; let us therefore eat and drink . Marian , I say ! a stoup of wine !


Here comes the fool , i' faith .

How now , my hearts ! Did you never see the picture of 'we three ?' 

Welcome , ass . Now let's have a catch .

By my troth , the fool has an excellent breast . I had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg , and so sweet a breath to sing , as the fool has . In sooth , thou wast in very gracious fooling last night , when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus , of the Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus : 'twas very good , i' faith . I sent thee sixpence for thy leman : hadst it ?

I did impeticos thy gratillity ; for Malvolio's nose is no whipstock : my lady has a white hand , and the Myrmidons are no bottleale houses .

Excellent ! Why , this is the best fooling , when all is done . Now , a song .

Come on ; there is sixpence for you : let's have a song .

There's a testril of me too : if one knight give a 

Would you have a love-song , or a song of good life ?

A love-song , a love-song .

Ay , ay ; I care not for good life .


O mistress mine ! where are you roaming ?
O ! stay and hear ; your true love's coming ,
That can sing both high and low .
Trip no further , pretty sweeting ;
Journeys end in lovers meeting ,
Every wise man's son doth know .


Excellent good , i' faith .

Good , good .


What is love ? 'tis not hereafter ;
Present mirth hath present laughter ;
What's to come is still unsure :
In delay there lies no plenty ;
Then come kiss me , sweet and twenty ,
Youth's a stuff will not endure .


A mellifluous voice , as I am true knight .

A contagious breath .

Very sweet and contagious , i' faith .

To hear by the nose , it is dulcet in contagion . But shall we make the welkin dance indeed ? Shall we rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three souls out of one weaver ? shall we do that ?

An you love me , let's do't : I am dog at a catch .

By'r lady , sir , and some dogs will catch well .

Most certain . Let our catch be , 'Thou knave .' 

Hold thy peace , thou knave ,' knight ? I shall be constrain'd in't to call thee knave , knight .

'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to call me knave . Begin , fool : it begins , 'Hold thy peace .' 

I shall never begin if I hold my peace .

Good , i' faith . Come , begin .

What a caterwauling do you keep here ! If my lady have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him turn you out of doors , never trust me .

My lady's a Cataian ; we are politicians ; Malvolio's a Peg-a-Ramsey , and 'Three merry men be we .' Am not I consanguineous ? am I not of her blood ? Tillyvally , lady !
There dwelt a man in Babylon , lady , lady !

Beshrew me , the knight's in admirable fooling .

Ay , he does well enough if he be disposed , and so do I too : he does it with a better grace , but I do it more natural .

O ! the twelfth day of December ,

For the love o' God , peace !


My masters , are you mad ? or what are you ? Have you no wit , manners , nor honesty , but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night ? Do ye make an alehouse of my lady's house , that ye squeak out your coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse of voice ? Is there no respect of place , persons , nor time , in you ?

We did keep time , sir , in our catches . Sneck up !

Sir Toby , I must be round with you . My lady bade me tell you , that , though she harbours you as her kinsman , she's nothing allied to your disorders . If you can separate yourself and your misdemeanours , you are welcome to the house ; if not , an it would please you to take leave of her , she is very willing to bid you farewell .

Farewell , dear heart , since I must needs be gone .

Nay , good Sir Toby .

His eyes do show his days are almost done .

Is't even so ?

But I will never die .

Sir Toby , there you lie .

This is much credit to you .

Shall I bid him go ?

What an if you do ?

Shall I bid him go , and spare not ?

O ! no , no , no , no , you dare not .

'Out o' time !' Sir , ye lie . Art any more than a steward ? Dost thou think , because thou art virtuous , there shall be no more cakes and ale ?

Yes , by Saint Anne ; and ginger shall be hot i' the mouth too .

Thou'rt i' the right . Go , sir , rub your chain with crumbs . A stoup of wine , Maria !

Mistress Mary , if you prized my lady's favour at anything more than contempt , you would not give means for this uncivil rule : she shall know of it , by this hand .


Go shake your ears .

'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's a-hungry , to challenge him the field , and then to break promise with him and make a fool of him .

Do't , knight : I'll write thee a challenge ; or I'll deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth .

Sweet Sir Toby , be patient for to-night : since the youth of the count's was to-day with my lady , she is much out of quiet . For Monsieur Malvolio , let me alone with him : if I do not gull him into a nayword , and make him a common recreation , do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed . I know I can do it .

Possess us , possess us ; tell us something of him .

Marry , sir , sometimes he is a kind of puritan .

O ! if I thought that , I'd beat him like a dog .

What , for being a puritan ? thy exquisite reason , dear knight ?

I have no exquisite reason for't , but I have reason good enough .

The devil a puritan that he is , or anything constantly but a time-pleaser ; an affectioned ass , that cons state without book , and utters it by great swarths : the best persuaded of himself ; so crammed , as he thinks , with excellences , that it is his ground of faith that all that look on him love him ; and on that vice in him will my revenge find notable cause to work .

What wilt thou do ?

I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love ; wherein , by the colour of his beard , the shape of his leg , the manner of his gait , the expressure of his eye , forehead , and complexion , he shall find himself most feelingly personated . I can write very like my lady your niece ; on a forgotten matter we can hardly make distinction of our hands .

Excellent ! I smell a device .

I have't in my nose too .

He shall think , by the letters that thou wilt drop , that they come from my niece , and that she is in love with him .

My purpose is , indeed , a horse of that colour .

And your horse now would make him an ass .

Ass , I doubt not .

O ! 'twill be admirable .

Sport royal , I warrant you : I know my physic will work with him . I will plant you two , and let the fool make a third , where he shall find the letter : observe his construction of it . For this night , to bed , and dream on the event . Farewell .


Good night , Penthesilea .

Before me , she's a good wench .

She's a beagle , true-bred , and one that adores me : what o' that ?

I was adored once too .

Let's to bed , knight . Thou hadst need send for more money .

If I cannot recover your niece , I am a foul way out .

Send for money , knight : if thou hast her not i' the end , call me cut .

If I do not , never trust me , take it how you will .

Come , come : I'll go burn some sack ; 'tis too late to go to bed now . Come , knight ; come , knight .


Give me some music . Now , good morrow , friends :
Now , good Cesario , but that piece of song ,
That old and antique song we heard last night ;
Methought it did relieve my passion much ,
More than light airs and recollected terms 
Of these most brisk and giddy-paced times :
Come ; but one verse .

He is not here , so please your lordship , that should sing it .

Who was it ?

Feste , the jester , my lord ; a fool that the Lady Olivia's father took much delight in . He is about the house .

Seek him out , and play the tune the while .

Come hither , boy : if ever thou shalt love ,
In the sweet pangs of it remember me ;
For such as I am all true lovers are :
Unstaid and skittish in all motions else 
Save in the constant image of the creature 
That is belov'd . How dost thou like this tune ?

It gives a very echo to the seat 
Where love is thron'd .

Thou dost speak masterly .
My life upon't , young though thou art , thine eye 
Hath stay'd upon some favour that it loves ;
Hath it not , boy ?

A little , by your favour .

What kind of woman is't ?

Of your complexion .

She is not worth thee , then . What years , i' faith ?

About your years , my lord .

Too old , by heaven . Let still the woman take 
An elder than herself , so wears she to him ,
So sways she level in her husband's heart :
For , boy , however we do praise ourselves ,
Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm ,
More longing , wavering , sooner lost and worn ,
Than women's are .

I think it well , my lord .

Then , let thy love be younger than thyself ,
Or thy affection cannot hold the bent ;
For women are as roses , whose fair flower 
Being once display'd , doth fall that very hour .

And so they are : alas , that they are so ;
To die , even when they to perfection grow !


O , fellow ! come , the song we had last night .
Mark it , Cesario ; it is old and plain ;
The spinsters and the knitters in the sun ,
And the free maids that weave their thread with bones ,
Do use to chant it : it is silly sooth ,
And dallies with the innocence of love ,
Like the old age .

Are you ready , sir ?

Ay ; prithee , sing .


Come away , come away , death ,
And in sad cypress let me be laid ;
Fly away , fly away , breath ;
I am slain by a fair cruel maid .
My shroud of white , stuck all with yew ,
O ! prepare it 
My part of death , no one so true 
Did share it .


Not a flower , not a flower sweet ,
On my black coffin let there be strown ,
Not a friend , not a friend greet 
My poor corse , where my bones shall be thrown .
A thousand thousand sighs to save ,
Lay me , O ! where 
Sad true lover never find my grave ,
To weep there .


There's for thy pains .

No pains , sir ; I take pleasure in singing , sir .

I'll pay thy pleasure then .

Truly , sir , and pleasure will be paid , one time or another .

Give me now leave to leave thee .

Now , the melancholy god protect thee , and the tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta , for thy mind is a very opal ! I would have men of such constancy put to sea , that their business might be everything and their intent everywhere ; for that's it that always makes a good voyage of nothing . Farewell .


Let all the rest give place .

Once more , Cesario ,
Get thee to yond same sovereign cruelty :
Tell her , my love , more noble than the world ,
Prizes not quantity of dirty lands ;
The parts that fortune hath bestow'd upon her ,
Tell her , I hold as giddily as fortune ;
But 'tis that miracle and queen of gems 
That nature pranks her in attracts my soul .

But if she cannot love you , sir ?

I cannot be so answer'd .

Sooth , but you must .
Say that some lady , as perhaps , there is ,
Hath for your love as great a pang of heart 
As you have for Olivia : you cannot love her ;
You tell her so ; must she not then be answer'd ?

There is no woman's sides 
Can bide the beating of so strong a passion 
As love doth give my heart ; no woman's heart 
So big , to hold so much ; they lack retention .
Alas ! their love may be call'd appetite ,
No motion of the liver , but the palate ,
That suffer surfeit , cloyment , and revolt ;
But mine is all as hungry as the sea ,
And can digest as much . Make no compare 
Between that love a woman can bear me 
And that I owe Olivia .

Ay , but I know ,

What dost thou know ?

Too well what love women to men may owe :
In faith , they are as true of heart as we .
My father had a daughter lov'd a man ,
As it might be , perhaps , were I a woman ,
I should your lordship .

And what's her history ?

A blank , my lord . She never told her love ,
But let concealment , like a worm i' the bud ,
Feed on her damask cheek : she pin'd in thought ,
And with a green and yellow melancholy ,
She sat like Patience on a monument ,
Smiling at grief . Was not this love indeed ?
We men may say more , swear more ; but indeed 
Our shows are more than will , for still we prove 
Much in our vows , but little in our love .

But died thy sister of her love , my boy ?

I am all the daughters of my father's house ,
And all the brothers too ; and yet I know not .
Sir , shall I to this lady ?

Ay , that's the theme .
To her in haste ; give her this jewel ; say 
My love can give no place , bide no denay .


Come thy ways , Signior Fabian .

Nay , I'll come : if I lose a scruple of this sport , let me be boiled to death with melancholy .

Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame ?

I would exult , man : you know he brought me out o' favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here .

To anger him we'll have the bear again ; and we will fool him black and blue ; shall we not , Sir Andrew ?

An we do not , it is pity of our lives .

Here comes the little villain .

How now , my metal of India !

Get ye all three into the box-tree . Malvolio's coming down this walk : he has been yonder i' the sun practising behaviour to his own shadow this half-hour . Observe him , for the love of mockery ; for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him . Close , in the name of jesting ! Lie thou there :

for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling .

'Tis but fortune ; all is fortune . Maria once told me she did affect me ; and I have heard herself come thus near , that should she fancy , it should be one of my complexion . Besides , she uses me with a more exalted respect than anyone else that follows her . What should I think on't ?

Here's an over-weening rogue !

O , peace ! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him : how he jets under his advanced plumes !

'Slight , I could so beat the rogue !

Peace ! I say .

To be Count Malvolio !

Ah , rogue !

Pistol him , pistol him .

Peace ! peace !

There is example for't : the lady of the Strachy married the yeoman of the wardrobe .

Fie on him , Jezebel !

O , peace ! now he's deeply in ; look how imagination blows him .

Having been three months married to her , sitting in my state ,

O ! for a stone-bow , to hit him in the eye !

Calling my officers about me , in my branched velvet gown ; having come from a daybed , where I have left Olivia sleeping ,

Fire and brimstone !

O , peace ! peace !

And then to have the humour of state : and after a demure travel of regard , telling them I know my place , as I would they should do theirs , to ask for my kinsman Toby ,

Bolts and shackles !

O , peace , peace , peace ! now , now .

Seven of my people , with an obedient start , make out for him . I frown the while ; and perchance wind up my watch , or play with my some rich jewel . Toby approaches ; curtsies there to me ,

Shall this fellow live ?

Though our silence be drawn from us with cars , yet peace !

I extend my hand to him thus , quenching my familiar smile with an austere regard of control ,

And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then ?

Saying , 'Cousin Toby , my fortunes having cast me on your niece give me this prerogative of speech ,' 

What , what ?

'You must amend your drunkenness .' 

Out , scab !

Nay , patience , or we break the sinews of our plot .

'Besides , you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish knight ,' 

That's me , I warrant you .

'One Sir Andrew ,' 

I knew 'twas I ; for many do call me fool .

What employment have we here ?

Now is the woodcock near the gin .

O , peace ! and the spirit of humours intimate reading aloud to him !

By my life , this is my lady's hand ! these be her very C's , her U's , and her T's ; and thus makes she her great P's . It is , in contempt of question , her hand .

Her C's , her U's , and her T's : why that 

To the unknown beloved , this and my good wishes : her very phrases ! By your leave , wax . Soft ! and the impressure her Lucrece , with which she uses to seal : 'tis my lady . To whom should this be ?

This wins him , liver and all .


Jove knows I love ;
But who ?
Lips , do not move 
No man must know .

'No man must know .' What follows ? the numbers altered ! 'No man must know :' if this should be thee , Malvolio !

Marry , hang thee , brock !


I may command where I adore ;
But silence , like a Lucrece knife ,
With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore :
M , O , A , I , doth sway my life .


A fustian riddle !

Excellent wench , say I .

'M , O , A , I , doth sway my life .' Nay , but first , let me see , let me see , let me see .

What dish o' poison has she dressed him !

And with what wing the staniel checks at it !

'I may command where I adore .' Why , she may command me : I serve her ; she is my lady . Why , this is evident to any formal capacity ; there is no obstruction in this . And the end , what should that alphabetical position portend ? if I could make that resemble something in me ,Softly !M , O , A , I ,

O ! ay , make up that : he is now at a cold scent .

Sowter will cry upon 't , for all this , though it be as rank as a fox .

M , Malvolio ; M , why , that begins my name .

Did not I say he would work it out ? the cur is excellent at faults .

M ,But then there is no consonancy in the sequel ; that suffers under probation : A should follow , but O does .

And O shall end , I hope .

Ay , or I'll cudgel him , and make him cry , O !

And then I comes behind .

Ay , an you had any eye behind you , you might see more detraction at your heels than fortunes before you .

M , O , A , I ; this simulation is not as the former ; and yet , to crush this a little , it would bow to me , for every one of these letters are in my name . Soft ! here follows prose .

If this fall into thy hand , revolve . In my stars I am above thee ; but be not afraid of greatness : some are born great , some achieve greatness , and some have greatness thrust upon them . Thy Fates open their hands ; let thy blood and spirit embrace them ; and to inure thyself to what thou art like to be , cast thy humble slough , and appear fresh . Be opposite with a kinsman , surly with servants ; let thy tongue tang arguments of state ; put thyself into the trick of singularity She thus advises thee that sighs for thee . Remember who commended thy yellow stockings , and wished to see thee ever cross-gartered : I say , remember . Go to , thou art made , if thou desirest to be so ; if not , let me see thee a steward still , the fellow of servants , and not worthy to touch Fortune's fingers . Farewell . She that would alter services with thee . THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY .

Daylight and champian discovers not more : this is open . I will be proud , I will read politic authors , I will baffle Sir Toby , I will wash off gross acquaintance , I will be point-devise the very man . I do not now fool myself , to let imagination jade me , for every reason excites to this , that my lady loves me . She did commend my yellow stockings of late , she did praise my leg being cross-gartered ; and in this she manifests herself to my love , and , with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits of her liking . I thank my stars I am happy . I will be strange , stout , in yellow stockings , and cross-gartered , even with the swiftness of putting on . Jove and my stars be praised ! Here is yet a postscript .

Thou canst not choose but know who I am . If thou entertainest my love , let it appear in thy smiling ; thy smiles become thee well ; therefore in my presence still smile , dear my sweet , I prithee .

Jove , I thank thee . I will smile : I will do everything that thou wilt have me .


I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy .

I could marry this wench for this device .

So could I too .

And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest .

Nor I neither .

Here comes my noble gull-catcher .


Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck ?

Or o' mine either ?

Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip , and become thy bond-slave ?

I' faith , or I either ?

Why , thou hast put him in such a dream , that when the image of it leaves him he must run mad .

Nay , but say true ; does it work upon him ?

Like aqua-vit  with a midwife .

If you will , then see the fruits of the sport , mark his first approach before my lady ; he will come to her in yellow stockings , and 'tis a colour she abhors ; and cross-gartered , a fashion she detests ; and he will smile upon her , which will now be so unsuitable to her disposition , being addicted to a melancholy as she is , that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt . If you will see it , follow me .

To the gates of Tartar , thou most excellent devil of wit !

I'll make one too .

Save thee , friend , and thy music . Dost thou live by thy tabor ?

No , sir , I live by the church .

Art thou a churchman ?

No such matter , sir : I do live by the church ; for I do live at my house , and my house doth stand by the church .

So thou mayst say , the king lies by a beggar , if a beggar dwell near him ; or , the church stands by thy tabor , if thy tabor stand by the church .

You have said , sir . To see this age !
A sentence is but a cheveril glove to a good wit : how quickly the wrong side may be turned outward !

Nay , that's certain : they that dally nicely with words may quickly make them wanton .

I would therefore my sister had had no name , sir .

Why , man ?

Why , sir , her name's a word ; and to dally with that word might make my sister wanton . But indeed , words are very rascals since bonds disgraced them .

Thy reason , man ?

Troth , sir , I can yield you none without words ; and words are grown so false , I am loath to prove reason with them .

I warrant thou art a merry fellow , and carest for nothing .

Not so , sir , I do care for something ; but in my conscience , sir , I do not care for you : if that be to care for nothing , sir , I would it would make you invisible .

Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool ?

No , indeed , sir ; the Lady Olivia has no folly : she will keep no fool , sir , till she be married ; and fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to herrings the husband's the bigger . I am indeed not her fool , but her corrupter of words .

I saw thee late at the Count Orsino's .

Foolery , sir , does walk about the orb like the sun ; it shines every where . I would be sorry , sir , but the fool should be as oft with your master as with my mistress . I think I saw your wisdom there .

Nay , an thou pass upon me , I'll no more with thee . Hold , there's sixpence for thee .


Now Jove , in his next commodity of hair , send thee a beard !

By my troth , I'll tell thee , I am almost sick for one , though I would not have it grow on my chin . Is thy lady within ?

Would not a pair of these have bred , sir ?

Yes , being kept together and put to use .

I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia , sir , to bring a Cressida to this Troilus .

I understand you , sir ; 'tis well begg'd .

The matter , I hope , is not great , sir , begging but a beggar : Cressida was a beggar . My lady is within , sir . I will conster to them whence you come ; who you are and what you would are out of my welkin ; I might say 'element ,' but the word is overworn .


This fellow's wise enough to play the fool ,
And to do that well craves a kind of wit :
He must observe their mood on whom he jests ,
The quality of persons , and the time ,
And , like the haggard , check at every feather 
That comes before his eye . This is a practice 
As full of labour as a wise man's art ;
For folly that he wisely shows is fit ;
But wise men folly-fall'n , quite taint their wit .


Save you , gentleman .

And you , sir .

Dieu vous garde , monsieur .

Et vous aussi ; votre serviteur .

I hope , sir , you are ; and I am yours .

Will you encounter the house ? my niece is desirous you should enter , if your trade be to her .

I am bound to your niece , sir : I mean , she is the list of my voyage .

Taste your legs , sir : put them to motion .

My legs do better understand me , sir , than I understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs .

I mean , to go , sir , to enter .

I will answer you with gait and entrance . But we are prevented .

Most excellent accomplished lady , the heavens rain odours on you !

That youth's a rare courtier . 'Rain odours !' well .

My matter hath no voice , lady , but to your own most pregnant and vouchsafed ear .

'Odours ,' 'pregnant ,' and 'vouchsafed .' I'll get 'em all three all ready .

Let the garden door be shut , and leave me to my hearing .

Give me your hand , sir .

My duty , madam , and most humble service .

What is your name ?

Cesario is your servant's name , fair princess .

My servant , sir ! 'Twas never merry world 
Since lowly feigning was call'd compliment .
You're servant to the Count Orsino , youth .

And he is yours , and his must needs be yours :
Your servant's servant is your servant , madam .

For him , I think not on him : for his thoughts ,
Would they were blanks rather than fill'd with me !

Madam , I come to whet your gentle thoughts 
On his behalf .

O ! by your leave , I pray you ,
I bade you never speak again of him :
But , would you undertake another suit ,
I had rather hear you to solicit that 
Than music from the spheres .

Dear lady ,

Give me leave , beseech you . I did send ,
After the last enchantment you did here ,
A ring in chase of you : so did I abuse 
Myself , my servant , and , I fear me , you :
Under your hard construction must I sit ,
To force that on you , in a shameful cunning ,
Which you knew none of yours : what might you think ?
Have you not set mine honour at the stake ,
And baited it with all th' unmuzzled thoughts 
That tyrannous heart can think ? To one of your receiving 
Enough is shown ; a cypress , not a bosom ,
Hideth my heart . So , let me hear you speak .

I pity you .

That's a degree to love .

No , not a grize ; for 'tis a vulgar proof 
That very oft we pity enemies .

Why , then methinks 'tis time to smile again .
O world ! how apt the poor are to be proud .
If one should be a prey , how much the better 
To fall before the lion than the wolf !

The clock upbraids me with the waste of time .
Be not afraid , good youth , I will not have you :
And yet , when wit and youth is come to harvest ,
Your wife is like to reap a proper man :
There lies your way , due west .

Then westward-ho !
Grace and good disposition attend your ladyship !
You'll nothing , madam , to my lord by me ?

Stay :
I prithee , tell me what thou think'st of me .

That you do think you are not what you are .

If I think so , I think the same of you .

Then think you right : I am not what I am .

I would you were as I would have you be !

Would it be better , madam , than I am ?
I wish it might , for now I am your fool .

O ! what a deal of scorn looks beautiful 
In the contempt and anger of his lip .
A murderous guilt shows not itself more soon 
Than love that would seem hid ; love's night is noon .
Cesario , by the roses of the spring ,
By maidhood , honour , truth , and every thing ,
I love thee so , that , maugre all thy pride ,
Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide .
Do not extort thy reasons from this clause ,
For that I woo , thou therefore hast no cause ;
But rather reason thus with reason fetter ,
Love sought is good , but giv'n unsought is better .

By innocence I swear , and by my youth ,
I have one heart , one bosom , and one truth ,
And that no woman has ; nor never none 
Shall mistress be of it , save I alone .
And so adieu , good madam : never more 
Will I my master's tears to you deplore .

Yet come again , for thou perhaps mayst move 
That heart , which now abhors , to like his love .


No , faith , I'll not stay a jot longer .

Thy reason , dear venom ; give thy reason .

You must needs yield your reason , Sir Andrew .

Marry , I saw your niece do more favours to the count's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me ; I saw't i' the orchard .

Did she see thee the while , old boy ? tell me that .

As plain as I see you now .

This was a great argument of love in her toward you .

'Slight ! will you make an ass o' me ?

I will prove it legitimate , sir , upon the oaths of judgment and reason .

And they have been grand-jurymen since before Noah was a sailor .

She did show favour to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you , to awake your dormouse valour , to put fire in your heart , and brimstone in your liver . You should then have accosted her , and with some excellent jests , firenew from the mint , you should have banged the youth into dumbness . This was looked for at your hand , and this was balked : the double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off , and you are now sailed into the north of my lady's opinion ; where you will hang like an icicle on a Dutchman's beard , unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt , either of valour or policy .

An't be any way , it must be with valour , for policy I hate : I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician .

Why , then , build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valour : challenge me the count's youth to fight with him ; hurt him in eleven places : my niece shall take note of it ; and assure thyself , there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's commendation with woman than report of valour .

There is no way but this , Sir Andrew .

Will either of you bear me a challenge to him ?

Go , write it in a martial hand ; be curst and brief ; it is no matter how witty , so it be eloquent , and full of invention : taunt him with the licence of ink : if thou thou'st him some thrice , it shall not be amiss ; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of paper , although the sheet were big enough for the bed of Ware in England , set 'em down : go , about it . Let there be gall enough in thy ink , though thou write with a goose-pen , no matter : about it .

Where shall I find you ?

We'll call thee at the cubiculo : go .


This is a dear manakin to you , Sir Toby .

I have been dear to him , lad , some two thousand strong , or so .

We shall have a rare letter from him ; but you'll not deliver it .

Never trust me , then ; and by all means stir on the youth to an answer . I think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them together . For Andrew , if he were opened , and you find so much blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea , I'll eat the rest of the anatomy .

And his opposite , the youth , bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty .

Look , where the youngest wren of nine comes .


If you desire the spleen , and will laugh yourselves into stitches , follow me . Yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen , a very renegado ; for there is no Christian , that means to be saved by believing rightly , can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness . He's in yellow stockings .

And cross-gartered ?

Most villanously ; like a pedant that keeps a school i' the church . I have dogged him like his murderer . He does obey every point of the letter that I dropped to betray him : he does smile his face into more lines than are in the new map with the augmentation of the Indies . You have not seen such a thing as 'tis ; I can hardly forbear hurling things at him . I know my lady will strike him : if she do , he'll smile and take't for a great favour .

Come , bring us , bring us where he is .


I would not by my will have troubled you ;
But since you make your pleasure of your pains ,
I will no further chide you .

I could not stay behind you : my desire ,
More sharp than filed steel , did spur me forth ;
And not all love to see you ,though so much 
As might have drawn one to a longer voyage ,
But jealousy what might befall your travel ,
Being skilless in these parts ; which to a stranger ,
Unguided and unfriended , often prove 
Rough and unhospitable : my willing love ,
The rather by these arguments of fear ,
Set forth in your pursuit .

My kind Antonio ,
I can no other answer make but thanks ,
And thanks , and ever thanks ; for oft good turns 
Are shuffled off with such uncurrent pay :
But , were my worth , as is my conscience , firm ,
You should find better dealing . What's to do ?
Shall we go see the reliques of this town ?

To-morrow , sir : best first go see your lodging .

I am not weary , and 'tis long to night :
I pray you , let us satisfy our eyes 
With the memorials and the things of fame 
That do renown this city .

Would you'd pardon me ;
I do not without danger walk these streets :
Once , in a sea-fight 'gainst the Count his galleys ,
I did some service ; of such note indeed ,
That were I ta'en here it would scarce be answer'd .

Belike you slew great number of his people ?

The offence is not of such a bloody nature ,
Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel 
Might well have given us bloody argument .
It might have since been answer'd in repaying 
What we took from them ; which , for traffic's sake ,
Most of our city did : only myself stood out ;
For which , if I be lapsed in this place ,
I shall pay dear .

Do not then walk too open .

It doth not fit me . Hold , sir ; here's my purse .
In the south suburbs , at the Elephant ,
Is best to lodge : I will bespeak our diet ,
Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge 
With viewing of the town : there shall you have me .

Why I your purse ?

Haply your eye shall light upon some toy 
You have desire to purchase ; and your store ,
I think , is not for idle markets , sir .

I'll be your purse-bearer and leave you for an hour .

To the Elephant .

I do remember .


I have sent after him : he says he'll come ;
How shall I feast him ? what bestow of him ?
For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd .
I speak too loud .
Where is Malvolio ? he is sad , and civil ,
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes :
Where is Malvolio ?

He's coming , madam ; but in very strange manner . He is sure possess'd , madam .

Why , what's the matter ? does he rave ?

No , madam ; he does nothing but smile : your ladyship were best to have some guard about you if he come , for sure the man is tainted in's wits .

Go call him hither .

I am as mad as he ,
If sad and merry madness equal be .

How now , Malvolio !

Sweet lady , ho , ho .

Smil'st thou ?
I sent for thee upon a sad occasion .

Sad , lady ! I could be sad : this does make some obstruction in the blood , this crossgartering ; but what of that ? if it please the eye of one , it is with me as the very true sonnet is , 'Please one and please all .' 

Why , how dost thou , man ? what is the matter with thee ?

Not black in my mind , though yellow in my legs . It did come to his hands , and commands shall be executed : I think we do know the sweet Roman hand .

Wilt thou go to bed , Malvolio ?

To bed ! ay , sweetheart ; and I'll come to thee .

God comfort thee ! Why dost thou smile so and kiss thy hand so oft ?

How do you , Malvolio ?

At your request ! Yes ; nightingales answer daws .

Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady ?

'Be not afraid of greatness :' 'Twas well writ .

What meanest thou by that , Malvolio ?

'Some are born great ,' 

Ha !

'Some achieve greatness ,' 

What sayst thou ?

'And some have greatness thrust upon them .' 

Heaven restore thee !

'Remember who commended thy yellow stockings ,' 

Thy yellow stockings !

'And wished to see thee cross-gartered .' 

Cross-gartered !

'Go to , thou art made , if thou desirest to be so ,' 

Am I made ?

'If not , let me see thee a servant still .' 

Why , this is very midsummer madness .


Madam , the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is returned . I could hardly entreat him back : he attends your ladyship's pleasure .

I'll come to him .

Good Maria , let this fellow be looked to . Where's my cousin Toby ? Let some of my people have a special care of him : I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry .


Oh , ho ! do you come near me now ? no worse man than Sir Toby to look to me ! This concurs directly with the letter : she sends him on purpose , that I may appear stubborn to him ; for she incites me to that in the letter . 'Cast thy humble slough ,' says she ; 'be opposite with a kinsman , surly with servants ; let thy tongue tang with arguments of state ; put thyself into the trick of singularity ;' and consequently sets down the manner how ; as , a sad face , a reverend carriage , a slow tongue , in the habit of some sir of note , and so forth . I have limed her ; but it is Jove's doing , and Jove make me thankful ! And when she went away now , 'Let this fellow be looked to ;' fellow ! not Malvolio , nor after my degree , but fellow . Why , everything adheres together , that no dram of a scruple , no scruple of a scruple , no obstacle , no incredulous or unsafe circumstance What can be said ? Nothing that can be can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes . Well , Jove , not I , is the doer of this , and he is to be thanked .


Which way is he , in the name of sanctity ? If all the devils in hell be drawn in little , and Legion himself possess'd him , yet I'll speak to him .

Here he is , here he is . How is't with you , sir ? how is't with you , man ?

Go off ; I discard you : let me enjoy my private ; go off .

Lo , how hollow the fiend speaks within him ! did not I tell you ? Sir Toby , my lady prays you to have a care of him .

Ah , ha ! does she so ?

Go to , go to : peace ! peace ! we must deal gently with him ; let me alone . How do you , Malvolio ? how is't with you ? What , man ! defy the devil : consider , he's an enemy to mankind .

Do you know what you say ?

La you ! an you speak ill of the devil , how he takes it at heart . Pray God , he be not bewitched !

Carry his water to the wise-woman .

Marry , and it shall be done to-morrow morning , if I live . My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say .

How now , mistress !

O Lord !

Prithee , hold thy peace ; this is not the way : do you not see you move him ? let me alone with him .

No way but gentleness ; gently , gently : the fiend is rough , and will not be roughly used .

Why , how now , my bawcock ! how dost thou , chuck ?

Sir !

Ay , Biddy , come with me . What , man ! 'tis not for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan : hang him , foul collier !

Get him to say his prayers , good Sir Toby , get him to pray .

My prayers , minx !

No , I warrant you , he will not hear of godliness .

Go , hang yourselves all ! you are idle shallow things : I am not of your element . You shall know more hereafter .


Is't possible ?

If this were played upon a stage now , I could condemn it as an improbable fiction .

His very genius hath taken the infection of the device , man .

Nay , pursue him now , lest the device take air , and taint .

Why , we shall make him mad indeed .

The house will be the quieter .

Come , we'll have him in a dark room , and bound . My niece is already in the belief that he's mad : we may carry it thus , for our pleasure and his penance , till our very pastime , tired out of breath , prompt us to have mercy on him ; at which time we will bring the device to the bar , and crown thee for a finder of madmen . But see , but see .


More matter for a May morning .

Here's the challenge ; read it : I warrant there's vinegar and pepper in't .

Is't so saucy ?

Ay , is't , I warrant him : do but read .

Give me . Youth , whatsoever thou art , thou art but a scurvy fellow .

Good , and valiant .

Wonder not , nor admire not in thy mind , why I do call thee so , for I will show thee no reason for't ,

A good note , that keeps you from the blow of the law .

Thou comest to the Lady Olivia , and in my sight she uses thee kindly : but thou liest in thy throat ; that is not the matter I challenge thee for .

Very brief , and to exceeding good sense less .

I will waylay thee going home ; where , if it be thy chance to kill me ,

Good .

Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain .

Still you keep o' the windy side of the law : good .

Fare thee well ; and God have mercy upon one of our souls ! He may have mercy upon mine , but my hope is better ; and so look to thyself . Thy friend , as thou usest him , and thy sworn enemy ,
If this letter move him not , his legs cannot .
I'll give't him .

You may have very fit occasion for for't : he is now in some commerce with my lady , and will by and by depart .

Go , Sir Andrew ; scout me for him at the corner of the orchard like a bum-baily : so soon as ever thou seest him , draw ; and , as thou drawest , swear horrible ; for it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath , with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off , gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him . Away !

Nay , let me alone for swearing .


Now will not I deliver his letter : for the behaviour of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding ; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less : therefore this letter , being so excellently ignorant , will breed no terror in the youth : he will find it comes from a clodpole . But , sir , I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth ; set upon Aguecheek a notable report of valour ; and drive the gentleman ,as I know his youth will aptly receive it ,into a most hideous opinion of his rage , skill , fury , and impetuosity . This will so fright them both that they will kill one another by the look , like cockatrices .

Here he comes with your niece : give them way till he take leave , and presently after him .

I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge .

I have said too much unto a heart of stone ,
And laid mine honour too unchary out :
There's something in me that reproves my fault ,
But such a headstrong potent fault it is 
That it but mocks reproof .

With the same haviour that your passion bears 
Goes on my master's griefs .

Here ; wear this jewel for me , 'tis my picture ;
Refuse it not ; it hath no tongue to vex you ;
And I beseech you come again to-morrow .
What shall you ask of me that I'll deny ,
That honour sav'd may upon asking give ?

Nothing but this ; your true love for my master .

How with mine honour may I give him that 
Which I have given to you ?

I will acquit you .

Well , come again to-morrow : fare thee well :
A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell .

Gentleman , God save thee .

And you , sir .

That defence thou hast , betake thee to't : of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him , I know not ; but thy intercepter , full of despite , bloody as the hunter , attends thee at the orchard-end . Dismount thy tuck , be yare in thy preparation , for thy assailant is quick , skilful , and deadly .

You mistake , sir : I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me : my remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offence done to any man .

You'll find it otherwise , I assure you : therefore , if you hold your life at any price , betake you to your guard ; for your opposite hath in him what youth , strength , skill , and wrath , can furnish man withal .

I pray you , sir , what is he ?

He is knight dubbed with unhatched rapier , and on carpet consideration ; but he is a devil in private brawl : souls and bodies hath he divorced three , and his incensement at this moment is so implacable that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre . Hob , nob , is his word : give't or take't .

I will return again into the house and desire some conduct of the lady : I am no fighter . I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others to taste their valour ; belike this is a man of that quirk .

Sir , no ; his indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury : therefore get you on and give him his desire . Back you shall not to the house , unless you undertake that with me which with as much safety you might answer him : therefore , on , or strip your sword stark naked ; for meddle you must , that's certain , or forswear to wear iron about you .

This is as uncivil as strange . I beseech you , do me this courteous office , as to know of the knight what my offence to him is : it is something of my negligence , nothing of my purpose .

I will do so . Signior Fabian , stay you by this gentleman till my return .


Pray you , sir , do you know of this matter ?

I know the knight is incensed against you , even to a mortal arbitrement , but nothing of the circumstance more .

I beseech you , what manner of man is he ?

Nothing of that wonderful promise , to read him by his form , as you are like to find him in the proof of his valour . He is , indeed , sir , the most skilful , bloody , and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria . Will you walk towards him ? I will make your peace with him if I can .

I shall be much bound to you for't : I am one that had rather go with sir priest than sir knight ; I care not who knows so much of my mettle .

Why , man , he's a very devil ; I have not seen such a firago . I had a pass with him , rapier , scabbard and all , and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal motion that it is inevitable ; and on the answer , he pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they step on . They say he has been fencer to the Sophy .

Pox on't , I'll not meddle with him .

Ay , but he will not now be pacified : Fabian can scarce hold him yonder .

Plague on't ; an I thought he had been valiant and so cunning in fence I'd have seen him damned ere I'd have challenged him . Let him let the matter slip , and I'll give him my horse , grey Capilet .

I'll make the motion . Stand here ; make a good show on't : this shall end without the perdition of souls .

Marry , I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you .

I have his horse to take up the quarrel . I have persuaded him the youth's a devil .

He is as horribly conceited of him ; and pants and looks pale , as if a bear were at his heels .

There's no remedy , sir : he will fight with you for his oath's sake . Marry , he hath better bethought him of his quarrel , and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of : therefore draw for the supportance of his vow : he protests he will not hurt you .

Pray God defend me ! A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a man .

Give ground , if you see him furious .

Come , Sir Andrew , there's no remedy : the gentleman will , for his honour's sake , have one bout with you ; he cannot by the duello avoid it : but he has promised me , as he is a gentleman and a soldier , he will not hurt you . Come on ; to't .

Pray God , he keep his oath !


I do assure you , 'tis against my will .

Put up your sword . If this young gentleman 
Have done offence , I take the fault on me :
If you offend him , I for him defy you .


You , sir ! why , what are you ?

One , sir , that for his love dares yet do more 
Than you have heard him brag to you he will .

Nay , if you be an undertaker , I am for you .


O , good sir Toby , hold ! here come the officers .

I'll be with you anon .

Pray , sir , put your sword up , if you please .

Marry , will I , sir ; and , for that I promised you , I'll be as good as my word . He will bear you easily and reins well .


This is the man ; do thy office .

Antonio , I arrest thee at the suit 
Of Count Orsino .

You do mistake me , sir .

No , sir , no jot : I know your favour well ,
Though now you have no sea-cap on your head .
Take him away : he knows I know him well .

I must obey .

This comes with seeking you :
But there's no remedy : I shall answer it .
What will you do , now my necessity 
Makes me to ask you for my purse ? It grieves me 
Much more for what I cannot do for you 
Than what befalls myself . You stand amaz'd :
But be of comfort .

Come , sir , away .

I must entreat of you some of that money .

What money , sir ?
For the fair kindness you have show'd me here ,
And part , being prompted by your present trouble ,
Out of my lean and low ability 
I'll lend you something : my having is not much :
I'll make division of my present with you .
Hold , there is half my coffer .

Will you deny me now ?
Is't possible that my deserts to you 
Can lack persuasion ? Do not tempt my misery ,
Lest that it make me so unsound a man 
As to upbraid you with those kindnesses 
That I have done for you .

I know of none ;
Nor know I you by voice or any feature .
I hate ingratitude more in a man 
Than lying , vainness , babbling drunkenness ,
Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption 
Inhabits our frail blood .

O heavens themselves !

Come , sir : I pray you , go .

Let me speak a little . This youth that you see here 
I snatch'd one-half out of the jaws of death ,
Reliev'd him with such sanctity of love ,
And to his image , which methought did promise 
Most venerable worth , did I devotion .

What's that to us ? The time goes by : away !

But O ! how vile an idol proves this god .
Thou hast , Sebastian , done good feature shame .
In nature there's no blemish but the mind ;
None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind :
Virtue is beauty , but the beauteous evil 
Are empty trunks o'erflourish'd by the devil .

The man grows mad : away with him ! Come , come , sir .

Lead me on .


Methinks his words do from such passion fly ,
That he believes himself ; so do not I .
Prove true , imagination , O , prove true ,
That I , dear brother , be now ta'en for you !

Come hither , knight ; come hither ,
Fabian : we'll whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws .

He nam'd Sebastian : I my brother know 
Yet living in my glass ; even such and so 
In favour was my brother ; and he went 
Still in this fashion , colour , ornament ,
For him I imitate . O ! if it prove ,
Tempests are kind , and salt waves fresh in love !


A very dishonest paltry boy , and more a coward than a hare . His dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity , and denying him ; and for his cowardship , ask Fabian .

A coward , a most devout coward , religious in it .

'Slid , I'll after him again and beat him .

Do ; cuff him soundly , but never draw thy sword .

An I do not ,


Come , let's see the event .

I dare lay any money 'twill be nothing yet .

Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you ?

Go to , go to ; thou art a foolish fellow :
Let me be clear of thee .

Well held out , i' faith ! No , I do not know you ; nor I am not sent to you by my lady to bid you come speak with her ; nor your name is not Master Cesario ; nor this is not my nose neither . Nothing that is so is so .

I prithee , vent thy folly somewhere else :
Thou know'st not me .

Vent my folly ! He has heard that word of some great man , and now applies it to a fool . Vent my folly ! I am afraid this great lubber , the world , will prove a cockney . I prithee now , ungird thy strangeness and tell me what I shall vent to my lady . Shall I vent to her that thou art coming ?

I prithee , foolish Greek , depart from me :
There's money for thee : if you tarry longer 
I shall give worse payment .

By my troth , thou hast an open hand .
These wise men that give fools money get themselves a good report after fourteen years' purchase .


Now , sir , have I met you again ? there's for you .


Why , there's for thee , and there , and there , and there !

Are all the people mad ?


Hold , sir , or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house .

This will I tell my lady straight . I would not be in some of your coats for twopence .


Come on , sir : hold .

Nay , let him alone ; I'll go another way to work with him : I'll have an action of battery against him if there be any law in Illyria . Though I struck him first , yet it's no matter for that .

Let go thy hand .

Come , sir , I will not let you go . Come , my young soldier , put up your iron : you are well fleshed ; come on .

I will be free from thee .

What wouldst thou now ?
If thou dar'st tempt me further , draw thy sword .

What , what ! Nay then , I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you .

Hold , Toby ! on thy life I charge thee , hold !

Madam !

Will it be ever thus ? Ungracious wretch !
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves ,
Where manners ne'er were preach'd . Out of my sight !
Be not offended , dear Cesario .
Rudesby , be gone !

I prithee , gentle friend ,
Let thy fair wisdom , not thy passion , sway 
In this uncivil and unjust extent 
Against thy peace . Go with me to my house ,
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks 
This ruffian hath botch'd up , that thou thereby 
Mayst smile at this . Thou shalt not choose but go :
Do not deny . Beshrew his soul for me ,
He started one poor heart of mine in thee .

What relish is in this ? how runs the stream ?
Or I am mad , or else this is a dream :
Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep ;
If it be thus to dream , still let me sleep !

Nay ; come , I prithee . Would thou'dst be rul'd by me !

Madam , I will .

O ! say so , and so be !


Nay , I prithee , put on this gown and this beard ; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate : do it quickly ; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst .


Well , I'll put it on and I will dissemble myself in't : and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown . I am not tall enough to become the function well , nor lean enough to be thought a good student ; but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar . The competitors enter .


God bless thee , Master parson .

Bonos dies , Sir Toby : for , as the old hermit of Prague , that never saw pen and ink , very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc , 'That , that is , is ;' so I , being Master parson , am Master parson ; for , what is 'that ,' but 'that ,' and 'is ,' but 'is ?' 

To him , Sir Topas .

What ho ! I say . Peace in this prison !

The knave counterfeits well ; a good knave .

Who calls there ?

Sir Topas , the curate , who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic .

Sir Topas , Sir Topas , good Sir Topas , go to my lady .

Out , hyperbolical fiend ! how vexest thou this man ! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies ?

Well said , Master Parson .

Sir Topas , never was man thus wronged . Good Sir Topas , do not think I am mad : they have laid me here in hideous darkness .

Fie , thou dishonest Satan ! I call thee by the most modest terms ; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy . Sayst thou that house is dark ?

As hell , Sir Topas .

Why , it hath bay-windows transparent as barricadoes , and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony ; and yet complainest thou of obstruction ?

I am not mad , Sir Topas . I say to you , this house is dark .

Madman , thou errest : I say , there is no darkness but ignorance , in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog .

I say this house is as dark as ignorance , though ignorance were as dark as hell ; and I say , there was never man thus abused . I am no more mad than you are : make the trial of it in any constant question .

What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl ?

That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird .

What thinkest thou of his opinion ?

I think nobly of the soul , and no way approve his opinion .

Fare thee well : remain thou still in darkness : thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits , and fear to kill a woodcock , lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam . Fare thee well .

Sir Topas ! Sir Topas !

My most exquisite Sir Topas !

Nay , I am for all waters .

Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown : he sees thee not .

To him in thine own voice , and bring me word how thou findest him : I would we were well rid of this knavery . If he may be conveniently delivered , I would he were ; for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot . Come by and by to my chamber .

Hey Robin , jolly Robin ,
Tell me how thy lady does .


Fool !

My lady is unkind , perdy !

Fool !

Alas , why is she so ?

Fool , I say !

She loves another .
Who calls , ha ?

Good fool , as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand , help me to a candle , and pen , ink , and paper . As I am a gentleman , I will live to be thankful to thee for't .

Master Malvoliol 

Ay , good fool .

Alas , sir , how fell you beside your five wits ?

Fool , there was never man so notoriously abused : I am as well in my wits , fool , as thou art .

But as well ? then you are mad indeed , if you be no better in your wits than a fool .

They have here propertied me ; keep me in darkness , send ministers to me , asses ! and do all they can to face me out of my wits .

Advise you what you say : the minister is here . Malvolio , Malvolio , thy wits the heavens restore ! endeavour thyself to sleep , and leave thy vain bibble-babble .

Sir Topas !

Maintain no words with him , good fellow .Who , I , sir ? not I , sir . God be wi' you , good Sir Topas . Marry , amen . I will , sir , I will .

Fool , fool , fool , I say !

Alas , sir , be patient . What say you , sir ? I am shent for speaking to you .

Good fool , help me to some light and some paper : I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria .

Well-a-day , that you were , sir !

By this hand , I am . Good fool , some ink , paper , and light ; and convey what I will set down to my lady : it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did .

I will help you to't . But tell me true , are you not mad indeed ? or do you but counterfeit ?

Believe me , I am not : I tell thee true .

Nay , I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains . I will fetch you light and paper and ink .

Fool , I'll requite it in the highest degree : I prithee , be gone .


I am gone , sir ,
And anon , sir ,
I'll be with you again 
In a trice ,
Like to the old Vice ,
Your need to sustain ;
Who with dagger of lath ,
In his rage and his wrath ,
Cries , Ah , ah ! to the devil :
Like a mad lad ,
Pare thy nails , dad ;
Adieu , goodman drivel .

This is the air ; that is the glorious sun ; This pearl she gave me , I do feel't and see't ;
And though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus ,
Yet 'tis not madness . Where's Antonio then ?
I could not find him at the Elephant ;
Yet there he was , and there I found this credit ,
That he did range the town to seek me out .
His counsel now might do me golden service ;
For though my soul disputes well with my sense 
That this may be some error , but no madness ,
Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune 
So far exceed all instance , all discourse ,
That I am ready to distrust mine eyes ,
And wrangle with my reason that persuades me 
To any other trust but that I am mad 
Or else the lady's mad : yet , if 'twere so ,
She could not sway her house , command her followers ,
Take and give back affairs and their dispatch 
With such a smooth , discreet , and stable bearing 
As I perceive she does . There's something in't 
That is deceivable . But here the lady comes .


Blame not this haste of mine . If you mean well ,
Now go with me and with this holy man 
Into the chantry by ; there , before him ,
And underneath that consecrated roof ,
Plight me the full assurance of your faith ;
That my most jealous and too doubtful soul 
May live at peace . He shall conceal it 
Whiles you are willing it shall come to note ,
What time we will our celebration keep 
According to my birth . What do you say ?

I'll follow this good man , and go with you ;
And , having sworn truth , ever will be true .

Then lead the way , good father ; and heavens so shine 
That they may fairly note this act of mine !


Now , as thou lovest me , let me see his letter .

Good Master Fabian , grant me another request .

Anything .

Do not desire to see this letter .

This is , to give a dog , and , in recompense desire my dog again .


Belong you to the Lady Olivia , friends ?

Ay , sir ; we are some of her trappings .

I know thee well : how dost thou , my good fellow ?

Truly , sir , the better for my foes and the worse for my friends .

Just the contrary ; the better for thy friends .

No , sir , the worse .

How can that be ?

Marry , sir , they praise me and make an ass of me ; now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass : so that by my foes , sir , I profit in the knowledge of myself , and by my friends I am abused : so that , conclusions to be as kisses , if your four negatives make your two affirmatives , why then , the worse for my friends and the better for my foes .

Why , this is excellent .

By my troth , sir , no ; though it please you to be one of my friends .

Thou shalt not be the worse for me : there's gold .

But that it would be double-dealing , sir , I would you could make it another .

O , you give me ill counsel .

Put your grace in your pocket , sir , for this once , and let your flesh and blood obey it .

Well , I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer : there's another .

Primo , secundo , tertio , is a good play ; and the old saying is , 'the third pays for all :' the triplex , sir , is a good tripping measure ; or the bells of Saint Bennet , sir , may put you in mind ; one , two , three .

You can fool no more money out of me at this throw : if you will let your lady know I am here to speak with her , and bring her along with you , it may awake my bounty further .

Marry , sir , lullaby to your bounty till I come again . I go , sir ; but I would not have you to think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness ; but as you say , sir , let your bounty take a nap , I will awake it anon .


Here comes the man , sir , that did rescue me .


That face of his I do remember well ;
Yet when I saw it last , it was besmear'd 
As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war .
A bawbling vessel was he captain of ,
For shallow draught and hulk unprizable ;
With which such scathful grapple did he make 
With the most noble bottom of our fleet ,
That very envy and the tongue of loss 
Cried fame and honour on him . What's the matter ?

Orsino , this is that Antonio 
That took the Ph nix and her fraught from Candy ;
And this is he that did the Tiger board ,
When your young nephew Titus lost his leg .
Here in the streets , desperate of shame and state ,
In private brabble did we apprehend him .

He did me kindness , sir , drew on my side ;
But in conclusion put strange speech upon me :
I know not what 'twas but distraction .

Notable pirate ! thou salt-water thief !
What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies 
Whom thou , in terms so bloody and so dear ,
Hast made thine enemies ?

Orsino , noble sir ,
Be pleas'd that I shake off these names you give me :
Antonio never yet was thief or pirate ,
Though I confess , on base and ground enough ,
Orsino's enemy . A witchcraft drew me hither :
That most ingrateful boy there by your side ,
From the rude sea's enrag'd and foamy mouth 
Did I redeem ; a wrack past hope he was :
His life I gave him , and did thereto add 
My love , without retention or restraint ,
All his in dedication ; for his sake 
Did I expose myself , pure for his love ,
Into the danger of this adverse town ;
Drew to defend him when he was beset :
Where being apprehended , his false cunning ,
Not meaning to partake with me in danger ,
Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance ,
And grew a twenty years removed thing 
While one would wink , denied me mine own purse ,
Which I had recommended to his use 
Not half an hour before .

How can this be ?

When came he to this town ?

To-day , my lord ; and for three months before ,
No interim , not a minute's vacancy ,
Both day and night did we keep company .


Here comes the countess : now heaven walks on earth !
But for thee , fellow ; fellow , thy words are madness :
Three months this youth hath tended upon me ;
But more of that anon . Take him aside .

What would my lord , but that he may not have ,
Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable ?
Cesario , you do not keep promise with me .

Madam !

Gracious Olivia .

What do you say , Cesario ? Good my lord ,

My lord would speak ; my duty hushes me .

If it be aught to the old tune , my lord ,
It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear 
As howling after music .

Still so cruel ?

Still so constant , lord .

What , to perverseness ? you uncivil lady ,
To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars 
My soul the faithfull'st offerings hath breath'd out 
That e'er devotion tender'd ! What shall I do ?

Even what it please my lord , that shall become him .

Why should I not , had I the heart to do it ,
Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death ,
Kill what I love ? a savage jealousy 
That sometimes savours nobly . But hear me this :
Since you to non-regardance cast my faith ,
And that I partly know the instrument 
That screws me from my true place in your favour ,
Live you , the marble-breasted tyrant still ;
But this your minion , whom I know you love ,
And whom , by heaven I swear , I tender dearly ,
Him will I tear out of that cruel eye ,
Where he sits crowned in his master's spite .
Come , boy , with me ; my thoughts are ripe in mischief ;
I'll sacrifice the lamb that I do love ,
To spite a raven's heart within a dove .


And I , most jocund , apt , and willingly ,
To do you rest , a thousand deaths would die .


Where goes Cesario ?

After him I love 
More than I love these eyes , more than my life ,
More , by all mores , than e'er I shall love wife .
If I do feign , you witnesses above 
Punish my life for tainting of my love !

Ah me , detested ! how am I beguil'd !

Who does beguile you ? who does do you wrong ?

Hast thou forgot thyself ? Is it so long ?
Call forth the holy father .


Come away .

Whither , my lord ? Cesario , husband , stay .

Husband ?

Ay , husband : can he that deny ?

Her husband , sirrah ?

No , my lord , not I .

Alas ! it is the baseness of thy fear 
That makes thee strangle thy propriety .
Fear not , Cesario ; take thy fortunes up ;
Be that thou know'st thou art , and then thou art 
As great as that thou fear'st .


O , welcome , father !
Father , I charge thee , by thy reverence ,
Here to unfold ,though lately we intended 
To keep in darkness what occasion now 
Reveals before 'tis ripe ,what thou dost know 

Hath newly pass'd between this youth and me .

A contract of eternal bond of love ,
Confirm'd by mutual joinder of your hands ,
Attested by the holy close of lips ,
Strengthen'd by interchangement of your rings ;
And all the ceremony of this compact 
Seal'd in my function , by my testimony :
Since when , my watch hath told me , toward my grave 
I have travell'd but two hours .

O , thou dissembling cub ! what wilt thou be 
When time hath sow'd a grizzle on thy case ?
Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow 
That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow ?
Farewell , and take her ; but direct thy feet 
Where thou and I henceforth may never meet .

My lord , I do protest ,

O ! do not swear :
Hold little faith , though thou hast too much fear .


For the love of God , a surgeon ! send one presently to Sir Toby .

What's the matter ?

He has broke my head across , and has given Sir Toby a bloody coxcomb too . For the love of God , your help ! I had rather than forty pound I were at home .

Who has done this , Sir Andrew ?

The count's gentleman , one Cesario : we took him for a coward , but he's the very devil incardinate .

My gentleman , Cesario ?

Od's lifelings ! here he is . You broke my head for nothing ! and that that I did , I was set on to do't by Sir Toby .

Why do you speak to me ? I never hurt you :
You drew your sword upon me without cause ;
But I bespake you fair , and hurt you not .

If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt , you have hurt me : I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb . Here comes Sir Toby halting ;

you shall hear more : but if he had not been in drink he would have tickled you othergates than he did .

How now , gentleman ! how is't with you ?

That's all one : he has hurt me , and there's the end on't . Sot , didst see Dick surgeon , sot ?

O ! he's drunk , Sir Toby , an hour agone : his eyes were set at eight i' the morning .

Then he's a rogue , and a passy-measures pavin . I hate a drunken rogue .

Away with him ! Who hath made this havoc with them ?

I'll help you , Sir Toby , because we'll be dressed together .

Will you help ? an ass-head and a coxcomb and a knave , a thin-faced knave , a gull !

Get him to bed , and let his hurt be look'd to .

I am sorry , madam , I have hurt your kinsman ;
But , had it been the brother of my blood ,
I must have done no less with wit and safety .
You throw a strange regard upon me , and by that 
I do perceive it hath offended you :
Pardon me , sweet one , even for the vows 
We made each other but so late ago .

One face , one voice , one habit , and two persons ;
A natural perspective , that is , and is not !

Antonio ! O my dear Antonio !
How have the hours rack'd and tortur'd me 
Since I have lost thee !

Sebastian are you ?

Fear'st thou that , Antonio ?

How have you made division of yourself ?
An apple cleft in two is not more twin 
Than these two creatures . Which is Sebastian ?

Most wonderful !

Do I stand there ? I never had a brother ;
Nor can there be that deity in my nature ,
Of here and every where . I had a sister ,
Whom the blind waves and surges have devour'd .
Of charity , what kin are you to me ?
What countryman ? what name ? what parentage ?

Of Messaline : Sebastian was my father ;
Such a Sebastian was my brother too ,
So went he suited to his watery tomb .
If spirits can assume both form and suit 
You come to fright us .

A spirit I am indeed ;
But am in that dimension grossly clad 
Which from the womb I did participate .
Were you a woman , as the rest goes even ,
I should my tears let fall upon your cheek ,
And say , 'Thrice welcome , drowned Viola !' 

My father had a mole upon his brow .

And so had mine .

And died that day when Viola from her birth 
Had number'd thirteen years .

O ! that record is lively in my soul .
He finished indeed his mortal act 
That day that made my sister thirteen years .

If nothing lets to make us happy both 
But this my masculine usurp'd attire ,
Do not embrace me till each circumstance 
Of place , time , fortune , do cohere and jump 
That I am Viola : which to confirm ,
I'll bring you to a captain in this town ,
Where lie my maiden weeds : by whose gentle help 
I was preserv'd to serve this noble count .
All the occurrence of my fortune since 
Hath been between this lady and this lord .

So comes it , lady , you have been mistook :
But nature to her bias drew in that .
You would have been contracted to a maid ;
Nor are you therein , by my life , deceiv'd ,
You are betroth'd both to a maid and man .

Be not amaz'd ; right noble is his blood .
If this be so , as yet the glass seems true ,
I shall have share in this most happy wrack .


Boy , thou hast said to me a thousand times 
Thou never shouldst love woman like to me .

And all those sayings will I over-swear ,
And all those swearings keep as true in soul 
As doth that orbed continent the fire 
That severs day from night .

Give me thy hand ;
And let me see thee in thy woman's weeds .

The captain that did bring me first on shore 
Hath my maid's garments : he upon some action 
Is now in durance at Malvolio's suit ,
A gentleman and follower of my lady's .

He shall enlarge him . Fetch Malvolio hither .
And yet , alas , now I remember me ,
They say , poor gentleman , he's much distract .
A most extracting frenzy of mine own 
From my remembrance clearly banish'd his .

How does he , sirrah ?

Truly , madam , he holds Belzebub at the stave's end as well as a man in his case may do . He has here writ a letter to you : I should have given it to you to-day morning ; but as a madman's epistles are no gospels , so it skills not much when they are delivered .

Open it , and read it .

Look then to be well edified , when the fool delivers the madman .
By the Lord , madam ,

How now ! art thou mad ?

No , madam , I do but read madness : an your ladyship will have it as it ought to be , you must allow vox .

Prithee , read i' thy right wits .

So I do , madonna ; but to read his right wits is to read thus : therefore perpend , my princess , and give ear .

Read it you , sirrah .


By the Lord , madam , you wrong me , and the world shall know it : though you have put me into darkness , and given your drunken cousin rule over me , yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as your ladyship . I have your own letter that induced me to the semblance I put on ; with the which I doubt not but to do myself much right , or you much shame . Think of me as you please . I leave my duty a little unthought of , and speak out of my injury . THE MADLY-USED MALVOLIO .

Did he write this ?

Ay , madam .

This savours not much of distraction .

See him deliver'd , Fabian ; bring him hither .

My lord , so please you , these things further thought on ,
To think me as well a sister as a wife ,
One day shall crown the alliance on't , so please you ,
Here at my house and at my proper cost .

Madam , I am most apt to embrace your offer .


Your master quits you ; and , for your service done him ,
So much against the mettle of your sex ,
So far beneath your soft and tender breeding ;
And since you call'd me master for so long ,
Here is my hand : you shall from this time be 
Your master's mistress .

A sister ! you are she .


Is this the madman ?

Ay , my lord , this same .
How now , Malvolio !

Madam , you have done me wrong ,
Notorious wrong .

Have I , Malvolio ? no .

Lady , you have . Pray you peruse that letter .
You must not now deny it is your hand :
Write from it , if you can , in hand or phrase ,
Or say 'tis not your seal nor your invention :
You can say none of this . Well , grant it then ,
And tell me , in the modesty of honour ,
Why you have given me such clear lights of favour ,
Bade me come smiling and cross-garter'd to you ,
To put on yellow stockings , and to frown 
Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people ;
And , acting this in an obedient hope ,
Why have you suffer'd me to be imprison'd ,
Kept in a dark house , visited by the priest ,
And made the most notorious geck and gull 
That e'er invention play'd on ? tell me why .

Alas ! Malvolio , this is not my writing ,
Though , I confess , much like the character ;
But , out of question , 'tis Maria's hand :
And now I do bethink me , it was she 
First told me thou wast mad ; then cam'st in smiling ,
And in such forms which here were presuppos'd 
Upon thee in the letter . Prithee , be content :
This practice hath most shrewdly pass'd upon thee ;
But when we know the grounds and authors of it ,
Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge 
Of thine own cause .

Good madam , hear me speak ,
And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come 
Taint the condition of this present hour ,
Which I have wonder'd at . In hope it shall not ,
Most freely I confess , myself and Toby 
Set this device against Malvolio here ,
Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts 
We had conceiv'd against him . Maria writ 
The letter at Sir Toby's great importance ;
In recompense whereof he hath married her .
How with a sportful malice it was follow'd ,
May rather pluck on laughter than revenge ,
If that the injuries be justly weigh'd 
That have on both sides past .

Alas , poor fool , how have they baffled thee !

Why , 'some are born great , some achieve greatness , and some have greatness thrown upon them .' I was one , sir , in this interlude ; one Sir Topas , sir ; but that's all one . 'By the Lord , fool , I am not mad :' But do you remember ? 'Madam , why laugh you at such a barren rascal ? an you smile not , he's gagged :' and thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges .

I'll be reveng'd on the whole pack of you .


He hath been most notoriously abus'd .

Pursue him , and entreat him to a peace ;
He hath not told us of the captain yet :
When that is known and golden time convents ,
A solemn combination shall be made 
Of our dear souls . Meantime , sweet sister ,
We will not part from hence . Cesario , come ;
For so you shall be , while you are a man ;
But when in other habits you are seen ,
Orsino's mistress , and his fancy's queen .

When that I was and a little tiny boy ,
With hey , ho , the wind and the rain ;
A foolish thing was but a toy ,
For the rain it raineth every day .


But when I came to man's estate ,
With hey , ho , the wind and the rain ;
'Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gates ,
For the rain it raineth every day .


But when I came , alas ! to wive ,
With hey , ho , the wind and the rain ;
By swaggering could I never thrive ,
For the rain it raineth every day .


But when I came unto my beds ,
With hey , ho , the wind and the rain ;
With toss-pots still had drunken heads ,
For the rain it raineth every day .


A great while ago the world begun ,
With hey , ho , the wind and the rain ;
But that's all one , our play is done ,
And we'll strive to please you every day .